I was so afraid something happened to him. We had planned where and what time we were meeting. Sure, I hadn’t heard from him since 1:00pm but no huge deal, right? Ok….he’s not answering my calls. What if he got in an accident?? The next day I even call his work and they tell me he just left. It was 5:00 in the afternoon, now over 24 hours since hearing from him.
It hits me when I hang up the phone. He did it on purpose. He’s not going to answer my calls or my texts. Is this real?
I try a few more days…I even add his brother on facebook hoping to maybe find out what I did wrong, what happened, why was I being ignored and discarded out of fucking NO WHERE. Nothing.
A month and a half later at 1:30 int the morning I get this epically long text message from a number I don’t know. It’s a scroller. I honestly thought it could be the cop or firefighter or something drunken texting me.
It said “I need to talk to you about something. I have things to explain. I have treated you like shit and there is no explanation for you deserving this. You deserve the world and I would do anything to deliver that to you. So, I would like to meet up with you. I will talk to you tomorrow about it. If you want.”
It took me hours…and randomly it hit me. Lane. My whole world stopped it felt like.
I saw him that night. We met at the same bar we had last gone out to. I was shaking. He was shaking. He wouldn’t even look at me when he spoke. He was scared. He told me about his former daughter. I knew about her, a little. He told me his ex and said she was pregnant with his daughter. That he raised her and financially supported her. When this little girl was three his whole family kept saying, you know she doesn’t look like you. He finally got a paternity test.
0.0% chance he was her father.
What I didn’t know was that had happened like TWO months ago. He had fallen into a deep depression. Hadn’t even been speaking to his friends or brother or mom. Told me I was the first person he reached out to.
I knew I had forgiven him the moment I saw him honestly.
The bar closed and we went to my car and he hugged me, and we just didn’t separate. My head rested so beautifully on his chest. Everything in me was screaming. He asks me to come over, we sit on the couch and open up about all our hardships we’ve had in our lives, our highs and lows, all the pain and love we’ve suffered. I finally kissed him at about 6 in the morning. He took the whole next morning off again to stay with me longer in bed.
He told me he wanted to see me again and again. Tuesday, Wednesday and Saturday he was most free. I say- you know Saturday is Valentine’s Day. He says, yes I know. I swoon.
Two nights later I’m leaving a really boring drinks date with a guy I’ve never spoken to again. I’m in buckhead and tell the snowboarder I could pop up and visit with him possibly. He says to come over and I get there and his roommate opens the door and I walk in. He asks, sorry have you been here before? I was like…umm did Lane not tell you I’m coming over? And umm we’ve met before buddy, good lord.
Lane just sits there and plays video games for like 45 minutes, barely talking to me. Then he tells me his stomach hurts and he’s gonna take a bath. But to come with him. So I am just in the bathroom with him sitting on the tile while he takes a bath and we talk. He’s looking rough. He seems depressed. We barely kiss at all that night.
When we walk out the next morning out of the building, he doesn’t walk me to my car. He kisses me really long and says he will talk to me in a few minutes when he gets to work. The next night was Tuesday, we were supposed to hang out. He works late and keeps pushing it back and back until it’s after midnight and I just fall asleep. In my clothes. With my phone in my hand. Waiting for him.
I tell him the next day that I felt stupid about waiting on him like that. That I didn’t even eat dinner, hoping he’d call and say he’s done at work and we should meet up and grab a bite. He says “ouch that hurts. I’m sorry that work kept me”
That night it’s Wednesday. But I don’t hear from him the rest of the day. I go get my hair done. I’m excited to show him on Valentine’s day. Surely we’ll see each other then, right?
I call. I text. Valentine’s day comes and goes. Nothing. I cry. I meet other people. But I can’t shake him. Is he doing this to me again? Really? How did I set myself up for this? Did I come on too strong? Did I let my walls down that easily?
He’s going to come back. I know he is. How will I ever keep away when he does?