The set dresser is on set

So I don’t hear from TSD so often anymore. He’s been back at work the last two weeks. I knew that was coming of course. But it’s weird to be in the thick of it. I get he’s doing 12 hour days…but I’d like to hear from him sometimes maybe. Even just a text??

We did hang out the ENTIRE day on his ONE day off. Sunday. I think that’s a nice sign. He came all the way up to my mom’s where I was housesitting to get me and then we ate too many tacos and passed out back at his place.

He looked at me while kissing and tells me that he really likes me. That’s different for him. It was nice. He said it was nice seeing me.

fox

We swung on my front porch in the sun and we went shopping for him for some new clothes. I do think I like him the most. He makes me laugh. I like giving him shit about things. We tease a lot. We fit. But he’s…well you know…distant too. I mentioned to him it’s been an entire month now that we’ve been dating.

He called me today. He found out I had been out of work sick the last four days through texting. Now I know he gets off at 6pm. He could have called those other days maybe too…it’s not that hard.

But you know what- I’ve been dating other people. Met three new people last week:

The other sound guy

The enviormentalist

The army guy (HIM I LIKE)

Summer lovin: The model part 2

So I get pretty sick as many of you know right at the end of the summer. I’m pretty MIA and when the model comes into town in September…yes…I was MIA a while….I tell him he can come on over to my place.

I’m still not feeling well and tell him before he arrives that I’m not interested in doing anything intimate, no drinking, nothing. He proceeds to act like a total asshole pushing me and pushing me to do things in bed with him. To the point that I ask him to leave. I tell him I’ll call him but I don’t plan on it. I mean I’ve never ever had to ask a guy to leave.

whatthe

I don’t answer his texts. His calls. He’s getting pissed.

Couple months go by and he starts telling me that photos we have exchanged…which I honestly don’t remember what they were…he tells me he’s going to post them online. Wow. Just wow. I’m being threatened.

disgusting

So from having a crazy fun spontaneous first date to being threatened to be posted on porn websites….awesome job me. I sure know how to pick ’em.

Needless to say I stopped dating September through the end of December.

Summer lovin and laughs: The model part 1

Ok time for some funny ones. Fuck that lonely bullshit. I’m making ramen noodles again because I WANT to eat them. I love sodium.

And now for some laughs:

The model is younger than me. From Alabama but comes into town often to gig. Met him on okcupid in the summer, younger than me by a few years. I remember thinking like yea right you’re not a model, but then I saw more and more of his pictures- and ok, these are professional pictures. Baby face but handsome.

He’s a little sad in a way too though. He was constantly called the f word growing up, wasn’t a good ole boy. Wanted desperately to live in Atlanta but couldn’t afford it yet. Attended college years before other people his age. Like started at 15. Smarts and Alabama- yea he wasn’t popular in his town. Poor guy I thought.

We go back and forth multiple times and meet at The Local late one Sunday night. Damn, what a looker I think! He doesn’t know what to order. He’s NEVER had PBR he says… ok…. and he orders like a girly cocktail.

weird

We are one drink in and it’s last call. What?! We are just getting started! But I forgot- that’s Fulton county for ya.

So I ask the bartender- where do people go at midnight then on a Sunday? “IDK a strip club?”

Uhh….no I’ve never been to one, but thanks. The model looks at me and we basically do the “Hey fuck it- if you’re game, I’m game” thing. And here we go to the Pink Pony. He kisses me in the parking lot of The Local before we get in our cars.

Oh and he doesn’t have enough cash to get into Pink Pony. So I pay. I also pay for our drinks there….but honestly- I don’t care in the grand scheme of things because it was a fucking blast!

I always thought strip clubs were like, walk into a dark shady place with a couple old creepy dude sitting alone and one girl comes out on stage, does a little dance, leaves, another girl comes out, dances, leaves…etc

creepy

UMMMM NO! When we walk in there are naked women EVERYWHERE. Just standing around talking to people. BUTT ASS NAKED. I’m like here in my teacher-y looking outfit and glasses looking like SO out of place.

The place is PACKED with young people. To one side of us is a bachelorette party and the other is a group of young drunk fun white guys. Both parties are like eating up that this cute young couple, one being a teacher, has walked into a strip club at 1am on a Sunday too.

We all do shots. My shot was…..different. The girls were overly sweet to me. The shot girl straddles me and I’m just awkwardly sitting there with my hands at my side and she literally takes my hand and puts them on her and says, you can touch me sweetheart. Then I have to take my shot BETWEEN HER BREASTS! I was like…um this is only a $5 shot?! I gave her $20. She deserved it. Good lord.

fan

As I start getting more and more wasted, I begin nicknaming the girls after disney princesses. I’m like: oooh get my pricess Jasmine! I want a shot from her!

The girls covered in tattoos were the most gorgeous to me. So opposite of me. It was beautiful and intriguing and different. They all looked like stunning models.

And I liked being flirted with the girls in front of the model. I got off watching him watch me enjoy myself. It was new and kinky and fun.

We stumble back to my place….yes in the summer I lived at home…I don’t really remember anything that happened once we got back but I really wanted to have sex I remember. He tells me I gave him the best blow job of his life. He tells that to my multiple times over the course of us knowing each other. One time I was at dinner with opera colleagues and my phone was brand new, so when he texted me that sentence on that day, it pops up on my phone, on the dinner table, for EVERYONE to read. Oops.

But since I’ve been single, every guy tells me that. I’ll pat myself on the back for that. I honestly do enjoy giving the person I’m with pleasure- maybe that’s why? I’m not just doing the motion.

proud

Wanted vs. Unwanted

Today I feel crumby. It’s grey out so that might be affecting it. But sometimes I feel like I’m constantly bordering the line of feeling wanted in the world and unwanted.

willy

But here’s the thing, I will always be both. The guys that I really want- don’t want me. Which makes me just want them even more. The guys that bug the shit out of me and message and text me all the time- I don’t want. It’s annoying to me. So they want me MORE because I’m not giving them the full amount of attention they want.

Am I THAT GIRL to some of the guys that I’ve been dating? The annoying one who keeps randomly texting them, trying. But it would be better if I just stopped?

Maybe I should start deleting numbers out of my phone again. Then I won’t desperately text someone that I’ve gone out with only a few times asking if they want to hang out.

If a guy wants to hang out with me- he’ll ask. Otherwise, he’s just not that into me, is he? That god damn cute book.

girlsnight

I’m gonna go work out. I want to say I will take some time off of dating and focus on myself- who am I kidding lol. Lose weight again. Eat better. Eliminate TRYING so hard. Be “busy.”

Ugh I ate ramen noodles at 10pm last night for dinner……

One nighters: The writer

I don’t want one night stands. I never go into seeing a guy because I have those intentions. I accept dates with guys after talking with them for a while, sometimes months of talking as with the writer and preppy boy too. Long phone calls like the cop. Daily phone calls with the fireman over a span of a few weeks. Added on facebook immediately by the recovering addict because he was deleting his okcupid account but still wanted to keep messaging with me.

I don’t arrive at dates thinking, oh I’m going to try and get some action tonight. No, I want a relationship. I like these guys. Their personalities. We have been clicking. They are handsome. They made me laugh. They asked me about myself. They were charming.

fingers crossed

I met the writer right after the actor. I thought- ok this is my second chance. This guy has SO much substance, creativity and is a grown up. Has a job, is applying for grad school, has a grown up apartment with a bar and a keyboard, wears a suit. He’s younger than me but he is so cute and when he wears his glasses….

The night I met him after months of back and forth and big chunks of just not getting on okcupid, I was at Leon’s checking out the guy that works there. Turns out he’s really short. I end up eye fucking another bartender. Turns out the other bartender NOTICES and asks his friend (the guy I’ve been talking to but have never met) My friend texts me saying umm are you eye fucking the other bartender- he’s 21, did you know that?

Ooops.

hehe

I’m already out. I text the writer to come be spontaneous and finally meet me. We go to Victory. I’m already tipsy. I ask him questions I already knew the answer to but I just couldn’t remember or keep straight. Like where did he go to school, does he have siblings.

We kiss at the bar after I tell him it’s hard to not want to kiss him. He shouldn’t have taken me home. He shouldn’t have even let me drive. He actually suggests me just riding with him and walking to MARTA the next morning in midtown. I was like….ew..no.

We drink more at his high rise apartment with gorgeous views. I go back and forth and back and forth about wanting to sleep with him while we are getting intimate. I think….well I lost the actor because I was all reserved. I don’t want to lose another guy so fast.

The next morning he takes FOREVER getting ready so I start exploring his bookcase. I put a little note under his laptop that says “you are so hot. yours, *****”

He lets me borrow one of his books. I love how he underlines things in his book. I think ok he’s gonna see me again. He’ll want his book back duh.

I mention that he hasn’t touched or kissed me ONCE since we woke up. He takes his pointer finger and pokes my arm and says, better???

glee

Gives me a peck at my car in the parking deck and I leave.

I text him a lot. I’m just in bed not working because it’s now Christmas and work is closed. I devour the book. I read his writing online. He’s working a lot. I ask to see him before he goes out of town for the holidays. Too busy.

I ask him to be my date for New Years Eve. He already has plans with friends. I start teasing him that he better watch out or I’ll get swept up by someone else.

He ummm didn’t take too kindly to that.

He stops returning my texts let alone ever answering a random phone call I might try. We are facebook friends, I see him post things daily. I know he can text me back.

fuck me right text

He tells me the night that I end up taking a pregnancy test that he wore a condom…wow I can’t even remember I’m thinking…that’s how drunk I was. Classy. He says that being with a girl is like 5th on his priority list. He has his job, family and friends, writing, and grad school applications.

He’s moving soon out of ATL. Don’t know where because he won’t respond to my facebook messages asking how all the applications turned out. I deleted his number two months ago from my phone. To not let there be late night temptation to try and salvage something that never was. I did like him. So much creativity there. He got me writing.

Do you laugh that loud because you want attention?

That’s what the set dresser asked me last night. My roommate said I should have walked out immediately.

I didn’t.

disapproval

But I got kicked out at 3am. Because I put the brakes on us in bed. He said I was making him uncomfortable. That all girls are crazy. That I wanted it, and then I didn’t and that that’s too 180 for him. That I make him always seem like the bad guy.

He starts blowing up my phone as I pull out of his complex and says he followed me out to try to stop me because he didn’t want to be THAT guy. But I had already pulled away.

Then I realized I left my makeup bag there so I had to go get it today. He was overly sweet to me. Holding me and hugging me and saying sorry. I said it’s ok. He said no it’s not. It wasn’t ok.

Then he says- oh yea my friend saw you on tinder. I say how does your friend know what I look like or who I am? He blushes. Uh huh…..you’ve talked to your friends about me!!

We decide to do Taco Tuesday after I get off work. I call him, he says he’s tied up with something and he’ll call back. Wait. Wait. Hungry. 10pm I text him saying I HAVE to eat. He says- sorry darling out with some coworkers for drink.

Wow. I’m stupid. Why do I let someone treat me like this……

shake

GIRLS

Yes. You were right. You were all right. This show is perfect for me. Watched the first two episodes. The character Adam- fuckin A is he like so many guys I’ve gone out with. It hurts in a way. To see it, and think wow why does she put up with that?

lena

Then Lena Dunhan’s character puts on the same dress I just bought the other week. Crap, yea I’m too much like her. But she’s 20….yes 20 pounds lighter than me. I’ve been gaining beer weight.

But she has girlfriends. Good girlfriends. I don’t have girlfriends like that. That’s what gets her through. I only have coupled up and married girlfriends. And those characters are four years younger than me…..and I’m still living that life. Damnit.

single