The actor and the 39 year old

So I just got suggested to go to yet another one of the actor’s monthly improv events that he’s a part of. Damn it’s tempting.

But he’s an asshole. So freaking self absorbed. I mean- he’s an actor, it makes sense honestly. He’s really fucking hot. And he knows it.

children

He was my FIRST DATE after not dating for almost half a year. And you know what? I asked HIM out. I met him on Tinder and immediately gave him my number because I was so floored by his looks and his pictures of him on stage and that we had similar friends.

I went in my baggy teacher pants with like seven layers on to the EARL on a Thursday to meet him for food and drinks. I was IN AWE by his hotness. There’s no way he thinks I’m hot I was thinking. He tells me how refreshing it is to have been asked out by a girl who knows what she wants and goes for it.

After dinner we go to two other bars just eating up each other’s conversation, finding out mutual friends, travel stories, love stories, he loves Phillip Glass-yes please- I’m like HOW ARE YOU SINGLE?! He says he is just picky. I’m telling you people, he can be. He is SO. FREAKING. HANDSOME.

cant even

So he manages a bar too. Late nights, long days. We go back to his place and I assure him multiple times that I didn’t not want to hookup. He finally kisses me in his tiny little studio apartment in the highlands and sweet slow kisses start becoming hotter and faster and we are heaving with breaths just wanting to tear apart at each other. He tries multiple times to take off my clothes, but no. He’s also the first and last date I ever ever ever wore spanx on. Because obviously he felt them.

He takes his pants off twice and I tell him to put them back on. I won’t even look down I tell him. We kiss till 4am and I tell him I should leave. I go to Florida for an art show I’m in and we text a lot about how much we can’t stop thinking about each other.

We go out a few days after one of his acting workshops and play darts. He’s just so hot. He’s scruffier this time, tired but still hot. Wearing a beanie cap hat thing. Just too hot, I’m serious. I tell him he even smells of hot sex. He tells me I look like hot sex. Wow, am I actually good looking again? I am so unsure of myself. Really. I had like zero confidence.

He won’t kiss me in public. We sit on the same side of the booth and we start holding hands. I’m like this is it. This is who I’m going to be with. How lucky am I that the first guy I meet online after being single again is the one for me?

We go back to his place and kiss harder than ever. He does the whole hand around my neck thing which sends me reeling. He’s pretty dominant. It’s so new and different but I am pumping the brakes hard. He gets weird and is like I thought we were cool, I thought we talked about stuff and were ok with this. I say I should leave. We don’t stop holding each other and I tell him I want him to tell me to stay. He does.

We end up in bed and I’m so self conscious and nervous he doesn’t want me I go down on him to show him I’m the real deal. That I am something that he wants. He immediately falls asleep after I’m done. I lay there feeling embarrassed that I went ahead and did that, put on my jacket and walk out.

done

I’m almost back at my car and I get a text from him asking why I left. It’s like 4am at this point. We go back and forth and I tell him I felt shitty with him just falling asleep like that after we started becoming intimate. He says I’m over thinking it and that he feels like he’s always on trial with me. I do not get that comment. What does he even mean? This must be some ex girlfriend shit he’s still dealing with saying something like that to me.

He says maybe we should just move on. I go back up to his place and walk in and say- WHAT?! Really? Move on? After those kisses we’ve exchanged?! Because I KNOW you are feeling what I’m feeling and this is not just some common thing that happens. We get back in bed and fall asleep. He has the day off but says he has lots of errands to run.

As I’m driving home I text him, “that’s the last time I’ll ever see you isn’t it?”

No response.

why

Couple weeks go by. I text him everyday. The very next guy I go out with, the writer, sleep with him the first night. Next couple guys, sleep with first night.

New Years Eve happens and I text the actor a picture of me all dressed up and he immediately texts me that I look really sexy. WHAT?! WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN DUDE?!

He explains that he has worked closing shifts every single night since we had last seen each other including Christmas eve and that he’s about to quit his job and he’s really stressed out. He says he can’t give me what I’m looking for.

Heartbreaking cue go.

crying

I won’t cry over a boy I met two times. I won’t cry over a boy I met two times. Come on girl you can do this.

We go back and forth a few more times and I’m just always jonesing to see him really bad. Maybe he will change and be better once he quits his job, which he does end up quitting I see on his facebook. I meet the snowboarder at this point and I start texting the actor that the way the snowboarder kisses me is love, not lust. I tell the actor that I shouldn’t have ever felt those things for him. And that I get the difference now. All those first kisses with the actor were purely lust. With the snowboarder it was so different.

Well as you know, the snowboarder fucking disappears so here I am retreating back to the actor again. We finally meet again and I pick him up one Sunday night. I couldn’t wait another minute. I park and get out and we immediately go into each other’s arms without saying a word and kiss and kiss and kiss in the parking lot.

makeout

We go out to the same last place we had gone out to and catch up. He has gone out with one other girl once since the last month or two. I’ve probably been out with 15…but I don’t say that of course. He talks about how hard it was quitting his job and that he’s looking at applying to the Wrecking Bar and focusing on acting. He basically does all the talking that night, not really asking much about me.

This couple sits next to us and tell me I’m the most beautiful girl in there and the man looks at the actor and says- is this your girl? He says yes.

happy

We talk to them for a while at the bar and they are overly sweet to both of us. And you know what? We ARE the best looking people in the bar. He is by far the most handsome confident captivating guy in the whole bar. And I look good too, damnit. I’m wearing the most flattering dress I own with knee high boots on and I’m at my lowest weight in years.

He kisses me at the bar. WOW WOW WOW WOW I KNOW that is a big deal for him. He never would let me kiss him out I remembered.

happy2

We go back to his place and go crazy on each other. He immediately has me nailed up against a wall in his kitchen but I’m hesitant still about him taking my clothes off. I mean, I’ve already slept with a lot of guys by this point who hit it and quit it and it SUCKED. Yes, I had an amazing time with them but the aftermath really stung.

He starts talking about how when the couple asked him if I was his girl, that it felt natural and correct and easy to immediately respond, yes, this is my girl. And he also mentions the public kiss. I knew he knew it was a big deal. He knew I knew it was a big deal for him.

We have sex. One thing that was crazy beautifully hot was he would ask me who I was when we were doing it. Like I’d have to answer “I’m yours.” He wanted me to be his and I wanted to be his.

But honestly it was just ok sex…I don’t finish and he can’t keep it up. We drank too much and it’s just all sloppy and all over the place really. The next morning we play a little more but I still don’t finish. He wants to go do errands, so I leave.

I text him later asking how it went at the Wrecking Bar. He says good. Don’t hear from him again. Shit. Mother Fucking Fucker.

angry

The next week, I’m going out with the 39 year old and he takes me to the Wrecking Bar. My heart stops. There’s the actor at the bar working. So the interview he went on went THAT well. He works there now. Shit.

He looks like a little boy compared to the 39 year old honestly. He avoids eye contact with me at all costs. I have an excellent date with the 39 year old, laughing, exchanging stories. We walk right past the actor eating dinner as the bar is closing. He looks down quickly when I take my last look at him.

The 39 year old kisses me at the valet. When we are starting to pull out of the parking lot, he stops his car and gets out and comes by my car. I roll the window down and he says he forgot to tip the valet. He kisses me again. I’m seriously like coming out of my window wrapping myself around the 39 year old while in my car, really enjoying it. I’m almost positive the actor saw it all happen.

The next day, I text the actor that he looked like a child compared to who I was out with. Obviously, I haven’t heard from him again.

But fuck it- I’ll be real. He does something to me. It must be his confidence, his charm, his looks duh, his I don’t really give a fuck about you manner……..I want him. I want to see him again.

Maybe I will be finding myself at his show Tuesday. I know. I know. This is what you’re thinking isn’t it:

snape

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