The lawyer

I met this recent law school grad on okcupid and then we also connected later on tinder and the ball started rolling with our conversation.

We had a sushi dinner and I really loved how much he had traveled the world. He was also ex military, and I respect that a lot.

After dinner, we were having such fun conversation, we decided to have a drink at the bar next door too. I asked him there who the little baby girl in his pictures were. His niece?

Nope. That’s his daughter. Huh….could’ve mentioned that by now dude.

annoyed

The night continued and he asked if it was ok to kiss me goodnight. Wow I thought. Someone is asking permission to touch me, this i new. The kiss was so polite and gentle, my initial reaction was that it was weird. But then I realized, that is the abuse leaking over into my thought process of how people should treat each other. Fuck.

We hung out two more times that week. Dave and busters, korean BBQ. Such fun dates. He kissed me in public. That was new. I forgot that that is also NOT a weird thing to do. Or to hold hands. Oof…. I am so skewed still, damint.

Some weird things came to light though over the dates. Like that he was still married and still getting through the divorce. That he’d been separated since August but it might be another year till the divorce goes through.

On our third date, his sister and her boyfriend joined us. They were so lovely. I actually liked him even more after having dinner with them all because I was like- OH so he isn’t weird. They are totally normal, she just got her Phd and he’s a bartender at an amazing place. It made me think, you know maybe this lawyer just got caught in some bad circumstances.

hope

Me and him stayed for one more glass of wine after dinner and I said Happy Father’s Day to him. He said- Oh well yea it’s too bad though because I didn’t get to see my children today actually.

Children? As in plural. Oh right- yea he didn’t want to scare me off he says so he didn’t bring up his other TWO children. Two boys 8 and 9. So he has a baby girl AND two children. And he only gets to see them once a month. Huh….

grossed

I was really unsure about seeing him again. When he asked me to go to the Shakespeare Tavern though, I was like DAMN yes please. I’ve nbere been taken there! By the time my work day was over though, we were both running late and we missed the beginning of the show and just decided to grab dinner instead.

Turns out his job he had started and was only three days into already laid him off that afternoon. Because he failed his criminal background check!

giveup

Whaaaaaat? And he doesn’t go into what it was! So I finally blurted out- ummm are you going to share what criminal or arrest history you have with me, or what? It wasn’t THAT bad but like STILL…Possession of marijuana when he was 18.

Later on too, he tells me his lawyer has advised him that we don’t date. That he can’t get into a relationship. That it can be used against him. But that he still wants to hang out. I’m just like at this point…..so. many. red. flags.

He ends up getting really hammered that night. Doing multiple shots that I didn’t join him on. Who does shots alone?

nicki

I’m trying to wane my way off answering his texts but turns out he left his gucci sunglasses in my car. Oof. He’s so handsome too. It’s such a shame.

Abuse part 2

It’s been about a month since I’ve seen or spoken to the set dresser. Getting back into dating has been quite bumpy. The first kiss since I’ve been back going out I had was so gentle and sweet, my initial reaction was- ew this is weird. And then I thought, NO- this is NORMAL. This is how a kiss should be. This is full of sweetness, and kindness.

gurl

Some nights I miss the set dresser. That makes me feel pathetic. To miss him. I realize I’m romanticizing very small rare moments we shared. But the happy times were not frequent. When I spoke to my therapist about it all, she asked about how much of the time I thought I was unhappy during it all. I honestly said 80%.

Sometimes when I speak about it all to a friend, I feel a sense of guilt even using the word abuse. I have no bruises, never did. Am I taking away from the women and men out there who have worse abuse? Real abuse? Is mine real? I got out. Many people can’t. I’m safe and I’m happy and I’m ok.

I think about following up with the people at HelloGiggles.com these days. I submitted my blog as an example of my writing to be an article writer for them. They asked for me to follow up with some example articles and titles that I would want to do. I never followed up because I was getting serious with the set dresser- and I thought to myself, how can I write about dating and such if I’m with someone now? And what would he think if he knew I’ve divulged some of our times together on the internet? He would flip.

I miss having someone to hang out with whenever. But I’ll find someone.

The last time I spoke with the set dresser, he had seen a drawing I did processing my pain and abuse I had on my instagram. It used sentences he would say to me but I never referenced him specifically in it. He said I was a psychopath and to take my creepy art down. That he was going to change his phone number and block me on everything because I was so crazy. I remember just thinking- wow, am I getting punished again? He is now the one rejecting me because I finally called him out on this stuff?

sad

I read some articles on abuse and narcissists. It just all adds up. This is what I’ve been dealing with. Even through my time of process, he still found a way to hurt me again.

Piecing together my self worth and self esteem is a work in progress. Staying busy and going out with friends I’d lost touch with seems to be the best medicine. Although I could seriously cut back on the drinking…

I know that self medicating by binge drinking while I’m out with friends can get very dangerous. I wonder if my friends notice.

singlegirls

Abuse

Well I ended it two days ago with the set dresser. My roommate had me have his phone number up and ready on my phone to call if I needed him. He stayed in his car and waited while I approached TSD to end things.

I was scared.

rhi

How did it come to this? How did I allow myself to be in a relationship where I am scared of my partner, of what he will do and say.

I feel like I’ve been worn down. Slowly, daily, worn down and chipped away. My self esteem and confidence left in a pile of garbage. I feel like garbage. He makes me feel like garbage.

“Why are you making yourself cry?”

“See, this is why I don’t want a girlfriend. Why can’t you just be normal?”

“You’re overreacting.”

“If you just came over here to give me shit, then get out.”

“I don’t have time for this girl drama.”

I remember my mom was the first person to use the word “abuse” when describing his behavior with me. Then my roommate, then my best friend last week.

bed

I tried to end it last week when I was with my best friend. She had helped give me the confidence to. He blew up of course. Then, the next morning he showed up at my house and I forgave him.

Later that day though at his house, I had to apologize for telling him that he wasn’t allowed to text or call me when I was breaking up with him. Promise that I’d never say the sentence again “I don’t want to see you anymore.” I was told that I’m too self-righteous and always blame others for my problems and my sadness and I needed to apologize for putting that on him or to get out of his house.

I did it. And I stayed. I feel so dumb.

people

I told him about two weeks ago that him playfully hitting me when we hung out or when I said something he didn’t like was starting to get weird and cross the line. He still does it.

I told him months ago to not touch my stomach. To not grab at it, or poke it and make comments about that I could work out and get the excess fat there gone. He still does it.

I told him not to threaten to kick me out of his apartment when we get in a disagreement or I’m not “being chill.” He still does it.

I remember when he got fired from the biggest movie happening right now. He blamed it all on other people. I woke up that next morning after he called me and brought him a card saying he was great and he will find an even better thing to do with his career. Left the card next to his door.

His beautiful blonde neighbor saw it and mentioned it to him when they bumped into each other in the hall. She said I think your girlfriend left you something there. He said “That’s not my girlfriend, she’s just a stalker.” And he told me this story laughing, thinking it would make me laugh. I guess?

I remember the first time we met his neighbor. He was outside smoking. He has me come outside and stand with him when he smokes so he doesn’t get bored. She let her dog out and we all chatted and then we had a drink at her house and then jammed a little on guitar. When we closed his door and said goodnight with her, the first thing he said was “Oh god she’s going to think you are my girlfriend.” I cried that night. When he realized how demeaning a statement was like that, he said he was just joking. And that I should learn how to take a joke.  He said he doesn’t like labels. But we had been exclusive for over two months at this point and saw and spoke to each other every day.

drink

He has no attachments with his family. He mostly talks ill about them. I met two of his best friends-the twins- he’s known since he was in preschool. The other day he went on a rant about how much they suck and they are hypocrites and assholes because they didn’t get him a job on the movie they’re on. I think he has two friends here in Atlanta besides the twins, his supposed best friends. The twins are both working on a huge movie here. They didn’t get TSD a spot on the movie but got all their other contacts a spot to work. Now I’m’ starting to understand why.

He’s been let go of jobs twice since I’ve met him. And his two best friends didn’t get him on the next big project happening in Atlanta. His other friend who I’ve hung out with the most and even went to dinner with him in his wife says TSD gets in “these moods” and is “grumpy.” So I’m not crazy, right? Other people in his life think he’s kind of a dickhead too, right?

dick