Well I ended it two days ago with the set dresser. My roommate had me have his phone number up and ready on my phone to call if I needed him. He stayed in his car and waited while I approached TSD to end things.
I was scared.
How did it come to this? How did I allow myself to be in a relationship where I am scared of my partner, of what he will do and say.
I feel like I’ve been worn down. Slowly, daily, worn down and chipped away. My self esteem and confidence left in a pile of garbage. I feel like garbage. He makes me feel like garbage.
“Why are you making yourself cry?”
“See, this is why I don’t want a girlfriend. Why can’t you just be normal?”
“If you just came over here to give me shit, then get out.”
“I don’t have time for this girl drama.”
I remember my mom was the first person to use the word “abuse” when describing his behavior with me. Then my roommate, then my best friend last week.
I tried to end it last week when I was with my best friend. She had helped give me the confidence to. He blew up of course. Then, the next morning he showed up at my house and I forgave him.
Later that day though at his house, I had to apologize for telling him that he wasn’t allowed to text or call me when I was breaking up with him. Promise that I’d never say the sentence again “I don’t want to see you anymore.” I was told that I’m too self-righteous and always blame others for my problems and my sadness and I needed to apologize for putting that on him or to get out of his house.
I did it. And I stayed. I feel so dumb.
I told him about two weeks ago that him playfully hitting me when we hung out or when I said something he didn’t like was starting to get weird and cross the line. He still does it.
I told him months ago to not touch my stomach. To not grab at it, or poke it and make comments about that I could work out and get the excess fat there gone. He still does it.
I told him not to threaten to kick me out of his apartment when we get in a disagreement or I’m not “being chill.” He still does it.
I remember when he got fired from the biggest movie happening right now. He blamed it all on other people. I woke up that next morning after he called me and brought him a card saying he was great and he will find an even better thing to do with his career. Left the card next to his door.
His beautiful blonde neighbor saw it and mentioned it to him when they bumped into each other in the hall. She said I think your girlfriend left you something there. He said “That’s not my girlfriend, she’s just a stalker.” And he told me this story laughing, thinking it would make me laugh. I guess?
I remember the first time we met his neighbor. He was outside smoking. He has me come outside and stand with him when he smokes so he doesn’t get bored. She let her dog out and we all chatted and then we had a drink at her house and then jammed a little on guitar. When we closed his door and said goodnight with her, the first thing he said was “Oh god she’s going to think you are my girlfriend.” I cried that night. When he realized how demeaning a statement was like that, he said he was just joking. And that I should learn how to take a joke. He said he doesn’t like labels. But we had been exclusive for over two months at this point and saw and spoke to each other every day.
He has no attachments with his family. He mostly talks ill about them. I met two of his best friends-the twins- he’s known since he was in preschool. The other day he went on a rant about how much they suck and they are hypocrites and assholes because they didn’t get him a job on the movie they’re on. I think he has two friends here in Atlanta besides the twins, his supposed best friends. The twins are both working on a huge movie here. They didn’t get TSD a spot on the movie but got all their other contacts a spot to work. Now I’m’ starting to understand why.
He’s been let go of jobs twice since I’ve met him. And his two best friends didn’t get him on the next big project happening in Atlanta. His other friend who I’ve hung out with the most and even went to dinner with him in his wife says TSD gets in “these moods” and is “grumpy.” So I’m not crazy, right? Other people in his life think he’s kind of a dickhead too, right?