It’s been about a month since I’ve seen or spoken to the set dresser. Getting back into dating has been quite bumpy. The first kiss since I’ve been back going out I had was so gentle and sweet, my initial reaction was- ew this is weird. And then I thought, NO- this is NORMAL. This is how a kiss should be. This is full of sweetness, and kindness.
Some nights I miss the set dresser. That makes me feel pathetic. To miss him. I realize I’m romanticizing very small rare moments we shared. But the happy times were not frequent. When I spoke to my therapist about it all, she asked about how much of the time I thought I was unhappy during it all. I honestly said 80%.
Sometimes when I speak about it all to a friend, I feel a sense of guilt even using the word abuse. I have no bruises, never did. Am I taking away from the women and men out there who have worse abuse? Real abuse? Is mine real? I got out. Many people can’t. I’m safe and I’m happy and I’m ok.
I think about following up with the people at HelloGiggles.com these days. I submitted my blog as an example of my writing to be an article writer for them. They asked for me to follow up with some example articles and titles that I would want to do. I never followed up because I was getting serious with the set dresser- and I thought to myself, how can I write about dating and such if I’m with someone now? And what would he think if he knew I’ve divulged some of our times together on the internet? He would flip.
I miss having someone to hang out with whenever. But I’ll find someone.
The last time I spoke with the set dresser, he had seen a drawing I did processing my pain and abuse I had on my instagram. It used sentences he would say to me but I never referenced him specifically in it. He said I was a psychopath and to take my creepy art down. That he was going to change his phone number and block me on everything because I was so crazy. I remember just thinking- wow, am I getting punished again? He is now the one rejecting me because I finally called him out on this stuff?
I read some articles on abuse and narcissists. It just all adds up. This is what I’ve been dealing with. Even through my time of process, he still found a way to hurt me again.
Piecing together my self worth and self esteem is a work in progress. Staying busy and going out with friends I’d lost touch with seems to be the best medicine. Although I could seriously cut back on the drinking…
I know that self medicating by binge drinking while I’m out with friends can get very dangerous. I wonder if my friends notice.