It’s thunder and it’s lightning

And it’s all things that’s frightening. —–We were promised jetpacks

Went to that concert (those are the lyrics to one of their songs above) last week with Chris Pratt. Started listening to them with TSD (the set dresser) in February. And yep, he was the first person we run into at the concert. I should have known.

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I continue to get hammered because I’m red, my heart is racing and I just can’t believe I’ve run into him while I’m on a date. I THEN drunk text him. I told him he looked rough and I hope he was doing ok. Then I said “we hope you’re doing ok” (Whyyyyyy) And he texts back- WE? Like you and your boyfriends, fuck that phony shit, fuck off.

When I get back home Chris Pratt and I did have the best kisses we ever had. I think he gained his confidence back or something. It was dominant and incredibly sexy.

But what does my drunk ass do? Oh well when he leaves for the night, I proceed to text and have the sound engineer over. Then WE makeout for hours and we decide to have sex for the first time. He’s going to Mexico for two weeks today. I think we had sex, but not really….he couldn’t keep it up enough to really get it started.

THEN when he leaves, as always when he gets embarrassed, I text the set dresser to come over!!! What the fuck is wrong with me.

A couple days later he starts texting and then calling me. He’s on drugs and wasted at a bar down the street and saying he’s going to drive. I tell him to stop and I drop everything to go and get him. Embarrassing. I should have ignored him.

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At the bar, he tells me about how he got a girlfriend a week after telling me he didn’t want, didn’t have time for and didn’t ever want a girlfriend. He “doesn’t know what makes her fit better for him.” But now they’re on a break because she’s always out of town.

He tells me about how he hasn’t left his house in three days. That he hasn’t been eating. Hasn’t been getting work. That he shouldn’t have gone out in public anyways.

Guess who gets drunk and sleeps with him? I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. I couldn’t sleep after it. He couldn’t finish. He was so messed up.

 

I take him back to his car the next day and we decide to go shopping together. He tells me he doesn’t like what I’m wearing and to go home and change. Yep. When I get home he doesn’t answer my call to see where to meet him.

Two hours later, he texts me to come over. I do. God damnit.

We have sex and he doesn’t let me finish. I ask him to after he cleans up. He says no.

We go to dinner, I have to pay because he doesn’t have any money. I ask him to get off of his phone so we can talk more since we’re at this nice sit down restaurant. He tells me I’m an attention whore.

He then tells me I’m eating too slow and I must be doing it on purpose, so he gets up and waits in the car leaving me there alone while I pay and finish my drink.

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In the car, he tells me about how this is why he hates this. That this is why he doesn’t want a girlfriend. Because I’m passive aggressive. I explain- What would even be my motivation to piss you off at dinner? I’m there to be with you and enjoy my evening. What would I even get out of pissing off someone I’m together with on purpose. He snaps, we’re not together. I say- I didn’t mean TOGETHER TOGETHER, like we are at dinner together, like I could be at dinner together with my mom or my friend. Fuck dude chill out.

I apologize for being passive aggressive. He starts bringing up our big fight and break up in May in the parking lot. Asking if I remembered how I acted in the parking lot that day, bringing my roommate to make me feel better. Making a scene. He says, once a person acts like that I lose all respect for them. You can’t trust people who behave through their emotions likes that. I said You’re one to speak, I acted like that because you pushed me to that point because of how shitty you treated me, because of the emotional abuse that drove to many nights of crying. That I didn’t want to break up with you alone and I had my roommate wait in the car with me for support. That because you wouldn’t come pick me up to get my car, I HAD to get a ride from my roommate back to his house anways. Because you threatened to leave my car keys in a bush instead of waiting for me to come pick them up because your life is so important and you had errands to run.

He says he just wants to be alone. I leave and cry an hour at home over a bottle of wine. Alone.

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We didn’t even last 24 hours before arguing. But this isn’t arguing. There was no thing we disagreed about really. This is just a person who is a jerk and me trying to…..lose all my self respect?

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Abuse part 2

It’s been about a month since I’ve seen or spoken to the set dresser. Getting back into dating has been quite bumpy. The first kiss since I’ve been back going out I had was so gentle and sweet, my initial reaction was- ew this is weird. And then I thought, NO- this is NORMAL. This is how a kiss should be. This is full of sweetness, and kindness.

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Some nights I miss the set dresser. That makes me feel pathetic. To miss him. I realize I’m romanticizing very small rare moments we shared. But the happy times were not frequent. When I spoke to my therapist about it all, she asked about how much of the time I thought I was unhappy during it all. I honestly said 80%.

Sometimes when I speak about it all to a friend, I feel a sense of guilt even using the word abuse. I have no bruises, never did. Am I taking away from the women and men out there who have worse abuse? Real abuse? Is mine real? I got out. Many people can’t. I’m safe and I’m happy and I’m ok.

I think about following up with the people at HelloGiggles.com these days. I submitted my blog as an example of my writing to be an article writer for them. They asked for me to follow up with some example articles and titles that I would want to do. I never followed up because I was getting serious with the set dresser- and I thought to myself, how can I write about dating and such if I’m with someone now? And what would he think if he knew I’ve divulged some of our times together on the internet? He would flip.

I miss having someone to hang out with whenever. But I’ll find someone.

The last time I spoke with the set dresser, he had seen a drawing I did processing my pain and abuse I had on my instagram. It used sentences he would say to me but I never referenced him specifically in it. He said I was a psychopath and to take my creepy art down. That he was going to change his phone number and block me on everything because I was so crazy. I remember just thinking- wow, am I getting punished again? He is now the one rejecting me because I finally called him out on this stuff?

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I read some articles on abuse and narcissists. It just all adds up. This is what I’ve been dealing with. Even through my time of process, he still found a way to hurt me again.

Piecing together my self worth and self esteem is a work in progress. Staying busy and going out with friends I’d lost touch with seems to be the best medicine. Although I could seriously cut back on the drinking…

I know that self medicating by binge drinking while I’m out with friends can get very dangerous. I wonder if my friends notice.

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The set dresser is on set

So I don’t hear from TSD so often anymore. He’s been back at work the last two weeks. I knew that was coming of course. But it’s weird to be in the thick of it. I get he’s doing 12 hour days…but I’d like to hear from him sometimes maybe. Even just a text??

We did hang out the ENTIRE day on his ONE day off. Sunday. I think that’s a nice sign. He came all the way up to my mom’s where I was housesitting to get me and then we ate too many tacos and passed out back at his place.

He looked at me while kissing and tells me that he really likes me. That’s different for him. It was nice. He said it was nice seeing me.

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We swung on my front porch in the sun and we went shopping for him for some new clothes. I do think I like him the most. He makes me laugh. I like giving him shit about things. We tease a lot. We fit. But he’s…well you know…distant too. I mentioned to him it’s been an entire month now that we’ve been dating.

He called me today. He found out I had been out of work sick the last four days through texting. Now I know he gets off at 6pm. He could have called those other days maybe too…it’s not that hard.

But you know what- I’ve been dating other people. Met three new people last week:

The other sound guy

The enviormentalist

The army guy (HIM I LIKE)

Wanted vs. Unwanted

Today I feel crumby. It’s grey out so that might be affecting it. But sometimes I feel like I’m constantly bordering the line of feeling wanted in the world and unwanted.

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But here’s the thing, I will always be both. The guys that I really want- don’t want me. Which makes me just want them even more. The guys that bug the shit out of me and message and text me all the time- I don’t want. It’s annoying to me. So they want me MORE because I’m not giving them the full amount of attention they want.

Am I THAT GIRL to some of the guys that I’ve been dating? The annoying one who keeps randomly texting them, trying. But it would be better if I just stopped?

Maybe I should start deleting numbers out of my phone again. Then I won’t desperately text someone that I’ve gone out with only a few times asking if they want to hang out.

If a guy wants to hang out with me- he’ll ask. Otherwise, he’s just not that into me, is he? That god damn cute book.

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I’m gonna go work out. I want to say I will take some time off of dating and focus on myself- who am I kidding lol. Lose weight again. Eat better. Eliminate TRYING so hard. Be “busy.”

Ugh I ate ramen noodles at 10pm last night for dinner……

One nighters: The writer

I don’t want one night stands. I never go into seeing a guy because I have those intentions. I accept dates with guys after talking with them for a while, sometimes months of talking as with the writer and preppy boy too. Long phone calls like the cop. Daily phone calls with the fireman over a span of a few weeks. Added on facebook immediately by the recovering addict because he was deleting his okcupid account but still wanted to keep messaging with me.

I don’t arrive at dates thinking, oh I’m going to try and get some action tonight. No, I want a relationship. I like these guys. Their personalities. We have been clicking. They are handsome. They made me laugh. They asked me about myself. They were charming.

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I met the writer right after the actor. I thought- ok this is my second chance. This guy has SO much substance, creativity and is a grown up. Has a job, is applying for grad school, has a grown up apartment with a bar and a keyboard, wears a suit. He’s younger than me but he is so cute and when he wears his glasses….

The night I met him after months of back and forth and big chunks of just not getting on okcupid, I was at Leon’s checking out the guy that works there. Turns out he’s really short. I end up eye fucking another bartender. Turns out the other bartender NOTICES and asks his friend (the guy I’ve been talking to but have never met) My friend texts me saying umm are you eye fucking the other bartender- he’s 21, did you know that?

Ooops.

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I’m already out. I text the writer to come be spontaneous and finally meet me. We go to Victory. I’m already tipsy. I ask him questions I already knew the answer to but I just couldn’t remember or keep straight. Like where did he go to school, does he have siblings.

We kiss at the bar after I tell him it’s hard to not want to kiss him. He shouldn’t have taken me home. He shouldn’t have even let me drive. He actually suggests me just riding with him and walking to MARTA the next morning in midtown. I was like….ew..no.

We drink more at his high rise apartment with gorgeous views. I go back and forth and back and forth about wanting to sleep with him while we are getting intimate. I think….well I lost the actor because I was all reserved. I don’t want to lose another guy so fast.

The next morning he takes FOREVER getting ready so I start exploring his bookcase. I put a little note under his laptop that says “you are so hot. yours, *****”

He lets me borrow one of his books. I love how he underlines things in his book. I think ok he’s gonna see me again. He’ll want his book back duh.

I mention that he hasn’t touched or kissed me ONCE since we woke up. He takes his pointer finger and pokes my arm and says, better???

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Gives me a peck at my car in the parking deck and I leave.

I text him a lot. I’m just in bed not working because it’s now Christmas and work is closed. I devour the book. I read his writing online. He’s working a lot. I ask to see him before he goes out of town for the holidays. Too busy.

I ask him to be my date for New Years Eve. He already has plans with friends. I start teasing him that he better watch out or I’ll get swept up by someone else.

He ummm didn’t take too kindly to that.

He stops returning my texts let alone ever answering a random phone call I might try. We are facebook friends, I see him post things daily. I know he can text me back.

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He tells me the night that I end up taking a pregnancy test that he wore a condom…wow I can’t even remember I’m thinking…that’s how drunk I was. Classy. He says that being with a girl is like 5th on his priority list. He has his job, family and friends, writing, and grad school applications.

He’s moving soon out of ATL. Don’t know where because he won’t respond to my facebook messages asking how all the applications turned out. I deleted his number two months ago from my phone. To not let there be late night temptation to try and salvage something that never was. I did like him. So much creativity there. He got me writing.

Do you laugh that loud because you want attention?

That’s what the set dresser asked me last night. My roommate said I should have walked out immediately.

I didn’t.

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But I got kicked out at 3am. Because I put the brakes on us in bed. He said I was making him uncomfortable. That all girls are crazy. That I wanted it, and then I didn’t and that that’s too 180 for him. That I make him always seem like the bad guy.

He starts blowing up my phone as I pull out of his complex and says he followed me out to try to stop me because he didn’t want to be THAT guy. But I had already pulled away.

Then I realized I left my makeup bag there so I had to go get it today. He was overly sweet to me. Holding me and hugging me and saying sorry. I said it’s ok. He said no it’s not. It wasn’t ok.

Then he says- oh yea my friend saw you on tinder. I say how does your friend know what I look like or who I am? He blushes. Uh huh…..you’ve talked to your friends about me!!

We decide to do Taco Tuesday after I get off work. I call him, he says he’s tied up with something and he’ll call back. Wait. Wait. Hungry. 10pm I text him saying I HAVE to eat. He says- sorry darling out with some coworkers for drink.

Wow. I’m stupid. Why do I let someone treat me like this……

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The snowboarder part 2

I was so afraid something happened to him. We had planned where and what time we were meeting. Sure, I hadn’t heard from him since 1:00pm but no huge deal, right? Ok….he’s not answering my calls. What if he got in an accident?? The next day I even call his work and they tell me he just left. It was 5:00 in the afternoon, now over 24 hours since hearing from him.

It hits me when I hang up the phone. He did it on purpose. He’s not going to answer my calls or my texts. Is this real?

I try a few more days…I even add his brother on facebook hoping to maybe find out what I did wrong, what happened, why was I being ignored and discarded out of fucking NO WHERE. Nothing.

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A month and a half later at 1:30 int the morning I get this epically long text message from a number I don’t know. It’s a scroller. I honestly thought it could be the cop or firefighter or something drunken texting me.

It said “I need to talk to you about something. I have things to explain. I have treated you like shit and there is no explanation for you deserving this. You deserve the world and I would do anything to deliver that to you. So, I would like to meet up with you. I will talk to you tomorrow about it. If you want.”

It took me hours…and randomly it hit me. Lane. My whole world stopped it felt like.

I saw him that night. We met at the same bar we had last gone out to. I was shaking. He was shaking. He wouldn’t even look at me when he spoke. He was scared. He told me about his former daughter. I knew about her, a little. He told me his ex and said she was pregnant with his daughter. That he raised her and financially supported her. When this little girl was three his whole family kept saying, you know she doesn’t look like you. He finally got a paternity test.

0.0% chance he was her father.

What I didn’t know was that had happened like TWO months ago. He had fallen into a deep depression. Hadn’t even been speaking to his friends or brother or mom. Told me I was the first person he reached out to.

I knew I had forgiven him the moment I saw him honestly.

The bar closed and we went to my car and he hugged me, and we just didn’t separate. My head rested so beautifully on his chest. Everything in me was screaming. He asks me to come over, we sit on the couch and open up about all our hardships we’ve had in our lives, our highs and lows, all the pain and love we’ve suffered. I finally kissed him at about 6 in the morning. He took the whole next morning off again to stay with me longer in bed.

He told me he wanted to see me again and again. Tuesday, Wednesday and Saturday he was most free. I say- you know Saturday is Valentine’s Day. He says, yes I know. I swoon.

Two nights later I’m leaving a really boring drinks date with a guy I’ve never spoken to again. I’m in buckhead and tell the snowboarder I could pop up and visit with him possibly. He says to come over and I get there and his roommate opens the door and I walk in. He asks, sorry have you been here before? I was like…umm did Lane not tell you I’m coming over? And umm we’ve met before buddy, good lord.

Lane just sits there and plays video games for like 45 minutes, barely talking to me. Then he tells me his stomach hurts and he’s gonna take a bath. But to come with him. So I am just in the bathroom with him sitting on the tile while he takes a bath and we talk. He’s looking rough. He seems depressed. We barely kiss at all that night.

When we walk out the next morning out of the building, he doesn’t walk me to my car. He kisses me really long and says he will talk to me in a few minutes when he gets to work. The next night was Tuesday, we were supposed to hang out. He works late and keeps pushing it back and back until it’s after midnight and I just fall asleep. In my clothes. With my phone in my hand. Waiting for him.

I tell him the next day that I felt stupid about waiting on him like that. That I didn’t even eat dinner, hoping he’d call and say he’s done at work and we should meet up and grab a bite. He says “ouch that hurts. I’m sorry that work kept me”

That night it’s Wednesday. But I don’t hear from him the rest of the day. I go get my hair done. I’m excited to show him on Valentine’s day. Surely we’ll see each other then, right?

Nothing.

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I call. I text. Valentine’s day comes and goes. Nothing. I cry. I meet other people. But I can’t shake him. Is he doing this to me again? Really? How did I set myself up for this? Did I come on too strong? Did I let my walls down that easily?

He’s going to come back. I know he is. How will I ever keep away when he does?