It’s thunder and it’s lightning

And it’s all things that’s frightening. —–We were promised jetpacks

Went to that concert (those are the lyrics to one of their songs above) last week with Chris Pratt. Started listening to them with TSD (the set dresser) in February. And yep, he was the first person we run into at the concert. I should have known.

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I continue to get hammered because I’m red, my heart is racing and I just can’t believe I’ve run into him while I’m on a date. I THEN drunk text him. I told him he looked rough and I hope he was doing ok. Then I said “we hope you’re doing ok” (Whyyyyyy) And he texts back- WE? Like you and your boyfriends, fuck that phony shit, fuck off.

When I get back home Chris Pratt and I did have the best kisses we ever had. I think he gained his confidence back or something. It was dominant and incredibly sexy.

But what does my drunk ass do? Oh well when he leaves for the night, I proceed to text and have the sound engineer over. Then WE makeout for hours and we decide to have sex for the first time. He’s going to Mexico for two weeks today. I think we had sex, but not really….he couldn’t keep it up enough to really get it started.

THEN when he leaves, as always when he gets embarrassed, I text the set dresser to come over!!! What the fuck is wrong with me.

A couple days later he starts texting and then calling me. He’s on drugs and wasted at a bar down the street and saying he’s going to drive. I tell him to stop and I drop everything to go and get him. Embarrassing. I should have ignored him.

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At the bar, he tells me about how he got a girlfriend a week after telling me he didn’t want, didn’t have time for and didn’t ever want a girlfriend. He “doesn’t know what makes her fit better for him.” But now they’re on a break because she’s always out of town.

He tells me about how he hasn’t left his house in three days. That he hasn’t been eating. Hasn’t been getting work. That he shouldn’t have gone out in public anyways.

Guess who gets drunk and sleeps with him? I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. I couldn’t sleep after it. He couldn’t finish. He was so messed up.

 

I take him back to his car the next day and we decide to go shopping together. He tells me he doesn’t like what I’m wearing and to go home and change. Yep. When I get home he doesn’t answer my call to see where to meet him.

Two hours later, he texts me to come over. I do. God damnit.

We have sex and he doesn’t let me finish. I ask him to after he cleans up. He says no.

We go to dinner, I have to pay because he doesn’t have any money. I ask him to get off of his phone so we can talk more since we’re at this nice sit down restaurant. He tells me I’m an attention whore.

He then tells me I’m eating too slow and I must be doing it on purpose, so he gets up and waits in the car leaving me there alone while I pay and finish my drink.

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In the car, he tells me about how this is why he hates this. That this is why he doesn’t want a girlfriend. Because I’m passive aggressive. I explain- What would even be my motivation to piss you off at dinner? I’m there to be with you and enjoy my evening. What would I even get out of pissing off someone I’m together with on purpose. He snaps, we’re not together. I say- I didn’t mean TOGETHER TOGETHER, like we are at dinner together, like I could be at dinner together with my mom or my friend. Fuck dude chill out.

I apologize for being passive aggressive. He starts bringing up our big fight and break up in May in the parking lot. Asking if I remembered how I acted in the parking lot that day, bringing my roommate to make me feel better. Making a scene. He says, once a person acts like that I lose all respect for them. You can’t trust people who behave through their emotions likes that. I said You’re one to speak, I acted like that because you pushed me to that point because of how shitty you treated me, because of the emotional abuse that drove to many nights of crying. That I didn’t want to break up with you alone and I had my roommate wait in the car with me for support. That because you wouldn’t come pick me up to get my car, I HAD to get a ride from my roommate back to his house anways. Because you threatened to leave my car keys in a bush instead of waiting for me to come pick them up because your life is so important and you had errands to run.

He says he just wants to be alone. I leave and cry an hour at home over a bottle of wine. Alone.

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We didn’t even last 24 hours before arguing. But this isn’t arguing. There was no thing we disagreed about really. This is just a person who is a jerk and me trying to…..lose all my self respect?

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Abuse part 2

It’s been about a month since I’ve seen or spoken to the set dresser. Getting back into dating has been quite bumpy. The first kiss since I’ve been back going out I had was so gentle and sweet, my initial reaction was- ew this is weird. And then I thought, NO- this is NORMAL. This is how a kiss should be. This is full of sweetness, and kindness.

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Some nights I miss the set dresser. That makes me feel pathetic. To miss him. I realize I’m romanticizing very small rare moments we shared. But the happy times were not frequent. When I spoke to my therapist about it all, she asked about how much of the time I thought I was unhappy during it all. I honestly said 80%.

Sometimes when I speak about it all to a friend, I feel a sense of guilt even using the word abuse. I have no bruises, never did. Am I taking away from the women and men out there who have worse abuse? Real abuse? Is mine real? I got out. Many people can’t. I’m safe and I’m happy and I’m ok.

I think about following up with the people at HelloGiggles.com these days. I submitted my blog as an example of my writing to be an article writer for them. They asked for me to follow up with some example articles and titles that I would want to do. I never followed up because I was getting serious with the set dresser- and I thought to myself, how can I write about dating and such if I’m with someone now? And what would he think if he knew I’ve divulged some of our times together on the internet? He would flip.

I miss having someone to hang out with whenever. But I’ll find someone.

The last time I spoke with the set dresser, he had seen a drawing I did processing my pain and abuse I had on my instagram. It used sentences he would say to me but I never referenced him specifically in it. He said I was a psychopath and to take my creepy art down. That he was going to change his phone number and block me on everything because I was so crazy. I remember just thinking- wow, am I getting punished again? He is now the one rejecting me because I finally called him out on this stuff?

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I read some articles on abuse and narcissists. It just all adds up. This is what I’ve been dealing with. Even through my time of process, he still found a way to hurt me again.

Piecing together my self worth and self esteem is a work in progress. Staying busy and going out with friends I’d lost touch with seems to be the best medicine. Although I could seriously cut back on the drinking…

I know that self medicating by binge drinking while I’m out with friends can get very dangerous. I wonder if my friends notice.

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Abuse

Well I ended it two days ago with the set dresser. My roommate had me have his phone number up and ready on my phone to call if I needed him. He stayed in his car and waited while I approached TSD to end things.

I was scared.

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How did it come to this? How did I allow myself to be in a relationship where I am scared of my partner, of what he will do and say.

I feel like I’ve been worn down. Slowly, daily, worn down and chipped away. My self esteem and confidence left in a pile of garbage. I feel like garbage. He makes me feel like garbage.

“Why are you making yourself cry?”

“See, this is why I don’t want a girlfriend. Why can’t you just be normal?”

“You’re overreacting.”

“If you just came over here to give me shit, then get out.”

“I don’t have time for this girl drama.”

I remember my mom was the first person to use the word “abuse” when describing his behavior with me. Then my roommate, then my best friend last week.

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I tried to end it last week when I was with my best friend. She had helped give me the confidence to. He blew up of course. Then, the next morning he showed up at my house and I forgave him.

Later that day though at his house, I had to apologize for telling him that he wasn’t allowed to text or call me when I was breaking up with him. Promise that I’d never say the sentence again “I don’t want to see you anymore.” I was told that I’m too self-righteous and always blame others for my problems and my sadness and I needed to apologize for putting that on him or to get out of his house.

I did it. And I stayed. I feel so dumb.

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I told him about two weeks ago that him playfully hitting me when we hung out or when I said something he didn’t like was starting to get weird and cross the line. He still does it.

I told him months ago to not touch my stomach. To not grab at it, or poke it and make comments about that I could work out and get the excess fat there gone. He still does it.

I told him not to threaten to kick me out of his apartment when we get in a disagreement or I’m not “being chill.” He still does it.

I remember when he got fired from the biggest movie happening right now. He blamed it all on other people. I woke up that next morning after he called me and brought him a card saying he was great and he will find an even better thing to do with his career. Left the card next to his door.

His beautiful blonde neighbor saw it and mentioned it to him when they bumped into each other in the hall. She said I think your girlfriend left you something there. He said “That’s not my girlfriend, she’s just a stalker.” And he told me this story laughing, thinking it would make me laugh. I guess?

I remember the first time we met his neighbor. He was outside smoking. He has me come outside and stand with him when he smokes so he doesn’t get bored. She let her dog out and we all chatted and then we had a drink at her house and then jammed a little on guitar. When we closed his door and said goodnight with her, the first thing he said was “Oh god she’s going to think you are my girlfriend.” I cried that night. When he realized how demeaning a statement was like that, he said he was just joking. And that I should learn how to take a joke.  He said he doesn’t like labels. But we had been exclusive for over two months at this point and saw and spoke to each other every day.

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He has no attachments with his family. He mostly talks ill about them. I met two of his best friends-the twins- he’s known since he was in preschool. The other day he went on a rant about how much they suck and they are hypocrites and assholes because they didn’t get him a job on the movie they’re on. I think he has two friends here in Atlanta besides the twins, his supposed best friends. The twins are both working on a huge movie here. They didn’t get TSD a spot on the movie but got all their other contacts a spot to work. Now I’m’ starting to understand why.

He’s been let go of jobs twice since I’ve met him. And his two best friends didn’t get him on the next big project happening in Atlanta. His other friend who I’ve hung out with the most and even went to dinner with him in his wife says TSD gets in “these moods” and is “grumpy.” So I’m not crazy, right? Other people in his life think he’s kind of a dickhead too, right?

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Wanted vs. Unwanted

Today I feel crumby. It’s grey out so that might be affecting it. But sometimes I feel like I’m constantly bordering the line of feeling wanted in the world and unwanted.

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But here’s the thing, I will always be both. The guys that I really want- don’t want me. Which makes me just want them even more. The guys that bug the shit out of me and message and text me all the time- I don’t want. It’s annoying to me. So they want me MORE because I’m not giving them the full amount of attention they want.

Am I THAT GIRL to some of the guys that I’ve been dating? The annoying one who keeps randomly texting them, trying. But it would be better if I just stopped?

Maybe I should start deleting numbers out of my phone again. Then I won’t desperately text someone that I’ve gone out with only a few times asking if they want to hang out.

If a guy wants to hang out with me- he’ll ask. Otherwise, he’s just not that into me, is he? That god damn cute book.

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I’m gonna go work out. I want to say I will take some time off of dating and focus on myself- who am I kidding lol. Lose weight again. Eat better. Eliminate TRYING so hard. Be “busy.”

Ugh I ate ramen noodles at 10pm last night for dinner……

One nighters: The writer

I don’t want one night stands. I never go into seeing a guy because I have those intentions. I accept dates with guys after talking with them for a while, sometimes months of talking as with the writer and preppy boy too. Long phone calls like the cop. Daily phone calls with the fireman over a span of a few weeks. Added on facebook immediately by the recovering addict because he was deleting his okcupid account but still wanted to keep messaging with me.

I don’t arrive at dates thinking, oh I’m going to try and get some action tonight. No, I want a relationship. I like these guys. Their personalities. We have been clicking. They are handsome. They made me laugh. They asked me about myself. They were charming.

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I met the writer right after the actor. I thought- ok this is my second chance. This guy has SO much substance, creativity and is a grown up. Has a job, is applying for grad school, has a grown up apartment with a bar and a keyboard, wears a suit. He’s younger than me but he is so cute and when he wears his glasses….

The night I met him after months of back and forth and big chunks of just not getting on okcupid, I was at Leon’s checking out the guy that works there. Turns out he’s really short. I end up eye fucking another bartender. Turns out the other bartender NOTICES and asks his friend (the guy I’ve been talking to but have never met) My friend texts me saying umm are you eye fucking the other bartender- he’s 21, did you know that?

Ooops.

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I’m already out. I text the writer to come be spontaneous and finally meet me. We go to Victory. I’m already tipsy. I ask him questions I already knew the answer to but I just couldn’t remember or keep straight. Like where did he go to school, does he have siblings.

We kiss at the bar after I tell him it’s hard to not want to kiss him. He shouldn’t have taken me home. He shouldn’t have even let me drive. He actually suggests me just riding with him and walking to MARTA the next morning in midtown. I was like….ew..no.

We drink more at his high rise apartment with gorgeous views. I go back and forth and back and forth about wanting to sleep with him while we are getting intimate. I think….well I lost the actor because I was all reserved. I don’t want to lose another guy so fast.

The next morning he takes FOREVER getting ready so I start exploring his bookcase. I put a little note under his laptop that says “you are so hot. yours, *****”

He lets me borrow one of his books. I love how he underlines things in his book. I think ok he’s gonna see me again. He’ll want his book back duh.

I mention that he hasn’t touched or kissed me ONCE since we woke up. He takes his pointer finger and pokes my arm and says, better???

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Gives me a peck at my car in the parking deck and I leave.

I text him a lot. I’m just in bed not working because it’s now Christmas and work is closed. I devour the book. I read his writing online. He’s working a lot. I ask to see him before he goes out of town for the holidays. Too busy.

I ask him to be my date for New Years Eve. He already has plans with friends. I start teasing him that he better watch out or I’ll get swept up by someone else.

He ummm didn’t take too kindly to that.

He stops returning my texts let alone ever answering a random phone call I might try. We are facebook friends, I see him post things daily. I know he can text me back.

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He tells me the night that I end up taking a pregnancy test that he wore a condom…wow I can’t even remember I’m thinking…that’s how drunk I was. Classy. He says that being with a girl is like 5th on his priority list. He has his job, family and friends, writing, and grad school applications.

He’s moving soon out of ATL. Don’t know where because he won’t respond to my facebook messages asking how all the applications turned out. I deleted his number two months ago from my phone. To not let there be late night temptation to try and salvage something that never was. I did like him. So much creativity there. He got me writing.

Do you laugh that loud because you want attention?

That’s what the set dresser asked me last night. My roommate said I should have walked out immediately.

I didn’t.

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But I got kicked out at 3am. Because I put the brakes on us in bed. He said I was making him uncomfortable. That all girls are crazy. That I wanted it, and then I didn’t and that that’s too 180 for him. That I make him always seem like the bad guy.

He starts blowing up my phone as I pull out of his complex and says he followed me out to try to stop me because he didn’t want to be THAT guy. But I had already pulled away.

Then I realized I left my makeup bag there so I had to go get it today. He was overly sweet to me. Holding me and hugging me and saying sorry. I said it’s ok. He said no it’s not. It wasn’t ok.

Then he says- oh yea my friend saw you on tinder. I say how does your friend know what I look like or who I am? He blushes. Uh huh…..you’ve talked to your friends about me!!

We decide to do Taco Tuesday after I get off work. I call him, he says he’s tied up with something and he’ll call back. Wait. Wait. Hungry. 10pm I text him saying I HAVE to eat. He says- sorry darling out with some coworkers for drink.

Wow. I’m stupid. Why do I let someone treat me like this……

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The actor and the 39 year old

So I just got suggested to go to yet another one of the actor’s monthly improv events that he’s a part of. Damn it’s tempting.

But he’s an asshole. So freaking self absorbed. I mean- he’s an actor, it makes sense honestly. He’s really fucking hot. And he knows it.

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He was my FIRST DATE after not dating for almost half a year. And you know what? I asked HIM out. I met him on Tinder and immediately gave him my number because I was so floored by his looks and his pictures of him on stage and that we had similar friends.

I went in my baggy teacher pants with like seven layers on to the EARL on a Thursday to meet him for food and drinks. I was IN AWE by his hotness. There’s no way he thinks I’m hot I was thinking. He tells me how refreshing it is to have been asked out by a girl who knows what she wants and goes for it.

After dinner we go to two other bars just eating up each other’s conversation, finding out mutual friends, travel stories, love stories, he loves Phillip Glass-yes please- I’m like HOW ARE YOU SINGLE?! He says he is just picky. I’m telling you people, he can be. He is SO. FREAKING. HANDSOME.

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So he manages a bar too. Late nights, long days. We go back to his place and I assure him multiple times that I didn’t not want to hookup. He finally kisses me in his tiny little studio apartment in the highlands and sweet slow kisses start becoming hotter and faster and we are heaving with breaths just wanting to tear apart at each other. He tries multiple times to take off my clothes, but no. He’s also the first and last date I ever ever ever wore spanx on. Because obviously he felt them.

He takes his pants off twice and I tell him to put them back on. I won’t even look down I tell him. We kiss till 4am and I tell him I should leave. I go to Florida for an art show I’m in and we text a lot about how much we can’t stop thinking about each other.

We go out a few days after one of his acting workshops and play darts. He’s just so hot. He’s scruffier this time, tired but still hot. Wearing a beanie cap hat thing. Just too hot, I’m serious. I tell him he even smells of hot sex. He tells me I look like hot sex. Wow, am I actually good looking again? I am so unsure of myself. Really. I had like zero confidence.

He won’t kiss me in public. We sit on the same side of the booth and we start holding hands. I’m like this is it. This is who I’m going to be with. How lucky am I that the first guy I meet online after being single again is the one for me?

We go back to his place and kiss harder than ever. He does the whole hand around my neck thing which sends me reeling. He’s pretty dominant. It’s so new and different but I am pumping the brakes hard. He gets weird and is like I thought we were cool, I thought we talked about stuff and were ok with this. I say I should leave. We don’t stop holding each other and I tell him I want him to tell me to stay. He does.

We end up in bed and I’m so self conscious and nervous he doesn’t want me I go down on him to show him I’m the real deal. That I am something that he wants. He immediately falls asleep after I’m done. I lay there feeling embarrassed that I went ahead and did that, put on my jacket and walk out.

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I’m almost back at my car and I get a text from him asking why I left. It’s like 4am at this point. We go back and forth and I tell him I felt shitty with him just falling asleep like that after we started becoming intimate. He says I’m over thinking it and that he feels like he’s always on trial with me. I do not get that comment. What does he even mean? This must be some ex girlfriend shit he’s still dealing with saying something like that to me.

He says maybe we should just move on. I go back up to his place and walk in and say- WHAT?! Really? Move on? After those kisses we’ve exchanged?! Because I KNOW you are feeling what I’m feeling and this is not just some common thing that happens. We get back in bed and fall asleep. He has the day off but says he has lots of errands to run.

As I’m driving home I text him, “that’s the last time I’ll ever see you isn’t it?”

No response.

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Couple weeks go by. I text him everyday. The very next guy I go out with, the writer, sleep with him the first night. Next couple guys, sleep with first night.

New Years Eve happens and I text the actor a picture of me all dressed up and he immediately texts me that I look really sexy. WHAT?! WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN DUDE?!

He explains that he has worked closing shifts every single night since we had last seen each other including Christmas eve and that he’s about to quit his job and he’s really stressed out. He says he can’t give me what I’m looking for.

Heartbreaking cue go.

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I won’t cry over a boy I met two times. I won’t cry over a boy I met two times. Come on girl you can do this.

We go back and forth a few more times and I’m just always jonesing to see him really bad. Maybe he will change and be better once he quits his job, which he does end up quitting I see on his facebook. I meet the snowboarder at this point and I start texting the actor that the way the snowboarder kisses me is love, not lust. I tell the actor that I shouldn’t have ever felt those things for him. And that I get the difference now. All those first kisses with the actor were purely lust. With the snowboarder it was so different.

Well as you know, the snowboarder fucking disappears so here I am retreating back to the actor again. We finally meet again and I pick him up one Sunday night. I couldn’t wait another minute. I park and get out and we immediately go into each other’s arms without saying a word and kiss and kiss and kiss in the parking lot.

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We go out to the same last place we had gone out to and catch up. He has gone out with one other girl once since the last month or two. I’ve probably been out with 15…but I don’t say that of course. He talks about how hard it was quitting his job and that he’s looking at applying to the Wrecking Bar and focusing on acting. He basically does all the talking that night, not really asking much about me.

This couple sits next to us and tell me I’m the most beautiful girl in there and the man looks at the actor and says- is this your girl? He says yes.

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We talk to them for a while at the bar and they are overly sweet to both of us. And you know what? We ARE the best looking people in the bar. He is by far the most handsome confident captivating guy in the whole bar. And I look good too, damnit. I’m wearing the most flattering dress I own with knee high boots on and I’m at my lowest weight in years.

He kisses me at the bar. WOW WOW WOW WOW I KNOW that is a big deal for him. He never would let me kiss him out I remembered.

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We go back to his place and go crazy on each other. He immediately has me nailed up against a wall in his kitchen but I’m hesitant still about him taking my clothes off. I mean, I’ve already slept with a lot of guys by this point who hit it and quit it and it SUCKED. Yes, I had an amazing time with them but the aftermath really stung.

He starts talking about how when the couple asked him if I was his girl, that it felt natural and correct and easy to immediately respond, yes, this is my girl. And he also mentions the public kiss. I knew he knew it was a big deal. He knew I knew it was a big deal for him.

We have sex. One thing that was crazy beautifully hot was he would ask me who I was when we were doing it. Like I’d have to answer “I’m yours.” He wanted me to be his and I wanted to be his.

But honestly it was just ok sex…I don’t finish and he can’t keep it up. We drank too much and it’s just all sloppy and all over the place really. The next morning we play a little more but I still don’t finish. He wants to go do errands, so I leave.

I text him later asking how it went at the Wrecking Bar. He says good. Don’t hear from him again. Shit. Mother Fucking Fucker.

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The next week, I’m going out with the 39 year old and he takes me to the Wrecking Bar. My heart stops. There’s the actor at the bar working. So the interview he went on went THAT well. He works there now. Shit.

He looks like a little boy compared to the 39 year old honestly. He avoids eye contact with me at all costs. I have an excellent date with the 39 year old, laughing, exchanging stories. We walk right past the actor eating dinner as the bar is closing. He looks down quickly when I take my last look at him.

The 39 year old kisses me at the valet. When we are starting to pull out of the parking lot, he stops his car and gets out and comes by my car. I roll the window down and he says he forgot to tip the valet. He kisses me again. I’m seriously like coming out of my window wrapping myself around the 39 year old while in my car, really enjoying it. I’m almost positive the actor saw it all happen.

The next day, I text the actor that he looked like a child compared to who I was out with. Obviously, I haven’t heard from him again.

But fuck it- I’ll be real. He does something to me. It must be his confidence, his charm, his looks duh, his I don’t really give a fuck about you manner……..I want him. I want to see him again.

Maybe I will be finding myself at his show Tuesday. I know. I know. This is what you’re thinking isn’t it:

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