The army guy

This is from EIGHT MONTHS AGO and looks like it never published……So here you go folks:

It’s pretty good actually- ran into The Beatle and the Chef in this story lol



Met him on Tinder and we were gonna meet a few times in EAV but I was always booked. He said he was gonna be busy a few weeks then so I figured we just probably wouldn’t connect.

Few weeks later, there he is. And we even rematch on tinder, since I deleted it for a bit too. It was like- oh yea I remember how cute he is. Oh yea and he speaks freaking fluent French and Spanish too.


So he asks to meet me at Wrecking Bar…yea the actor is probably gonna be working there that night- a Friday.

I arrive, the army guy is late. Crap there’s the actor. He hasn’t responded to anything I’ve sent him in weeks. Since the last time I had a guy there at that restaurant. He avoids me in the way that he’s like PISSED at me. Not even in the little boy embarrassed way like last time.


Thank GOD he’s not our server. The army guy is cute but I honestly was distracted. But after our second drink he starts winning me over. He has lots of stuff that is interesting about him. Lived in so many countries.

We go to Jack’s afterwards and start kissing at the bar. And I mean kissing. He has no shame. This table next to us even talk about it. I don’t care either honestly. It’s fun and flirtatious. We go out to my car after the bar has closed and my fucking car is dead….battery done. Nothing.

It starts raining. Fucking fuck. Really?


I go tap on a guy’s window who’s waiting in his car and turns out he’s an Uber driver and is required to have jumper cables. The guys fix the car and 25 minutes later I’m handing the uber driver two new lottery scratch offs and 4 bucks…all I had on me.

We kiss more in the car saying goodnight and I start to notice my face is hurting, like it burns a little. Gosh it’s his like army stubble face. He doesn’t have a beard beard. It’s like he has to keep it shaved most of the time, but he hasn’t shaved in a week and it really burns my face and has been rubbing against my skin for like two hours straight now. Ouch.

I go out the next Sunday and have a shitty shit night missing this band I had tickets to see for two months. Never found a date to go with me. They start playing at 9:30…I arrive at 9:50 and they’re on their last song. The Beatle is there. I asked him to go with me. No, he’s going with his dudes. He only says hi to me. But at least he’s the one who told me to get my ass in an uber because they were getting on stage.

I’m pretty disappointed I missed it and dropped $45 and start drinking at the bar and text The Beatle to come over with me. He doesn’t. He doesn’t even say bye to me. I know he sees me there. Maybe he was there with a girl too and I just didn’t notice. Haven’t heard from him since.


I start making friends with the bartender and texting guys to come meet me- I must salvage this night!

The army guys says he lives right around the corner from where I am. Next thing I see two missed calls from him- shit he’s here! I run out of the venue and into his car. I’m pretty wasted already. The bartender sympathized with my story and over poured all my drinks.

We go to Tin Roof Cantina- just over the Dekalb county line so it’s open till 3:30 am NOT midnight like all of the Fulton bars.

We kiss often at the bar. When I go to the restroom, someone grabs my arm- the chef! I told him I might go there…he said he was too tired…crap he MUST have seen me with the army guy. I get caught up talking to the chef and he said he decided to come out and get to-go food. Weird kinda. I mean, I would have gone with him but he declined, and then he shows up anyways hoping to see me there or something?

Then I realize I’ve left the army guy at the bar for like 15 minutes alone! Goddamnit me! I hug the chef and run back and tell him how I had run into a friend.


So just to be clear here….This is the FOURTH guy I’ve dated multiple times that I’ve seen Sunday.

He takes me back home and it’s all a blur honestly. But I do learn that he loves to pleasure his woman. So that was…nice!!!! Yes sir! He was too drunk to receive it back though- you know what I mean, boys. Why is it rare for a guy to actually enjoy going down on a girl? Why is it that ALL girls do it but guys SOMETIMES do it? That’s fucking stupid by the way. End rant on that.

As I’ve been sick at home he’s checked in on me through text. He sends me a picture of his new car- he had been in an accident- and he jokingly asks me what I should nickname “her.”

Then a few hours later I go on tinder and he’s posted the SAME picture and asked the SAME thing on his “moments” (it’s like a thing where you put a picture and caption up and it stays up for 24 hours for people you’re matched with to like or dislike- usually a selfie or a shot of you out with friends etc)

Kinda dumb asking me the SAME question with the SAME pictures dude. Haven’t heard from him since I called him out on that…..




When I started getting serious with the set dresser, I got pissed at him for bailing on plans and invited the army guy over. We made out on the porch swing and I ignored the set dressers phone calls all night.

It started a huge fight because I had “cheated” again except we were not even officially together. Which was confusing and annoying and unfair.

AGAIN- the army guy couldn’t keep it up but he satisfied me well and we had fun and he even took me out to dinner AFTER the hookup and let me say goodnight at the car instead of letting him back up for more.


He moved. To another country. Learned about it not from him, but from a Tinder moment where he said “goodbye ATL!”


The Porter Guy

So my best friend and I are at The Porter inĀ  Little Five Points. Cute guy sitting next to us on a date.

Get home later, this guy has messaged me on okcupid- Were you just at the Porter? I kept looking at you every time my date walked away which I know is bad.

Anyways- we start chatting and we end up meeting at like midnight later that night! I was already in my pjs and everything. But I like spontaneity. And he’s handsome.


We meet and bar hop around L5P bars and hit it off. He tells me he hasn’t had many second dates. So….why?

Well turns out he’s 30 and just gotten his first real job, just moved out of his parents and also lost almost 200 lbs this year. Woah. He shows me a picture of what he used to look like and it’s unreal. Just not the same person.

He was something like 315? So his confidence levels, his suaveness on dates- really non existent because he’s never really dated until this year.

He asks to kiss me, but I decline and say I’d like to wait. At the end of the night he asks again and we do, but he’s too handsy and his tongue is all over the place. How many girls has he actually kisses……..?


He’s very sweet though and I accept a dinner date with him the next week. I haven’t laughed so much with someone in a long time. We are really hitting it off. He looks like Chris Pratt a little bit I figure out.

We see some comedy with that same best friend I was out with and have a good time. The kiss at the end of the night was short and sweet and better…..but it’s because Tally guy was there! He shows up at comedy too and asks me to go out with him to another bar.

When I say Oh I’m hanging out with my friends I guess he heads out. When I’m at the car kissing Chris Pratt goodnight- he’s right there! Tally guy. Ooops?


Third time I hang out with Pratt, we watch the Walking Dead at a local bar and don’t get much time to talk. He was more awkward this time. Making fun of me being in the drama club in high school and joking about how competitions for drama could even exist and who even goes to stuff like that. I didn’t get it.


I also ate something too spicy for me and he over joked about that too. After returning from the bathroom at one point, he had already paid his own tab and said he was heading out. Guess we weren’t on a date? I give him a peck and haven’t seen him since. We text but…..I don’t know. It’s just off for some reason…..

Three dates in one night

New record y’all!


So the first date, I can’t even remember what he does for a job. Let’s call him the cute Highlands dude. We had been talking for MONTHS on and off. And he never followed through with meeting me. Like why did we even exchange numbers dude?

If I give you my number, we are meeting within a week. Don’t waste my time. Because we might totally not click in person. So this whole text flirting thing is just a waste of time.

I finally gave him an ultimatum after not hearing from him for a few weeks. Take me out tonight or you’re out of my phone. Ok he says.

At dinner with my mom, he texts me he has to cancel and that he knows he blew it. So I go home and I get this text around the time we were supposed to have met. It’s him at a bar with his friends. Ummmmmm.


He says that his work buddies forced him out and I should come and join. And I do……we meet somewhere else though just the two of us.

He’s already pretty buzzed and we proceed to do shots. He’s very touchy and complimentary for someone I’ve known for ten minutes. I tell him not to dare kiss me on the lips at a bar as our first kiss.So he grabs me as soon as we walk out of the door and does it. Eh.

I forced him to allow me drive him home because he is too drunk. It’s like 10:30 at night. He keeps trying to get in my pants in his apartment and I get him to sleep and text Tally guy to come hang out with me somewhere so I can salvage my night.

Next day cute Highlands guy texts me saying sorry he was an ass and he doesn’t remember much. He hasn’t followed up trying to make it up to me. But he does still text me.


So I go out and meet Tally guy who STILL hasn’t kissed me. This will be our fourth time hanging out. He does the same shit as usual, walking away for large chunks of time, knows everyone everywhere but doesn’t really introduce me, doesn’t pay for any of our drinks.

When we go to our second place and he starts doing coke again, I start texting a third guy to come hang out with me. I tell Tally guy I’ve gotta go see a friend and he’s like, cool I’ll come with you. I go to the bathroom to try to strategize how I’ll get out of this.

He still hasn’t kissed me. I don’t even know what this dude wants! To drink with my money? To have a cute girl near him?


I basically just walk back up and give him his shit I was holding for him back and tell him I’ll be right back.

I meet this new guy, let’s call him Young Glasses because I don’t remember what he does either. I was pretty drunk by then, it’s midnight. I’ve never met this guy before. My gf is the bartender at the bar we are at and shots continue again. I can’t really remember much about him but he was a good kisser.

We go back to his SHIT HOLE house. Like six guys living there, walking distance from the bar, mattress on the floor, milk crates holding his clothes. Pass out and he drives me back to my car the next morning.


Haven’t heard much from him since. I wouldn’t wanna go back to that roach place though. Even though he was really cute.

I ummmm had to take the next day off of work to recover from that shit show of lame boys though. Oh, and this huge ass bruise I got on my thigh from trying to crawl on the stage dancing with Tally guy. Thought I had broke something honestly. I’m ok now. Looks like a solar system on my leg. Brutal.



Yes. You were right. You were all right. This show is perfect for me. Watched the first two episodes. The character Adam- fuckin A is he like so many guys I’ve gone out with. It hurts in a way. To see it, and think wow why does she put up with that?


Then Lena Dunhan’s character puts on the same dress I just bought the other week. Crap, yea I’m too much like her. But she’s 20….yes 20 pounds lighter than me. I’ve been gaining beer weight.

But she has girlfriends. Good girlfriends. I don’t have girlfriends like that. That’s what gets her through. I only have coupled up and married girlfriends. And those characters are four years younger than me…..and I’m still living that life. Damnit.


Dick pic apologized

The last thing I heard from the guy who sent me that most recent dick pic was a text saying “you suck,” probably because I never responded to him. Oooooh you burnt me!


Then he asks for my blog link after seeing me mention it on facebook. I warn him that he’s in the blog. He says that’s fine.

What happens next was quite a surprise…………

“Your writing is very interesting. Catchy I must say….and you are absoluetly right, I am an ass.”

surprised meme

“I sincerely apologize for that pic, it was not appropriate.”

“….really that’s not the way to treat a lady or a friend or anybody. Never really looked at it from the opposite perspective…”

“….made me realize how thoughtless and degrading that could be…..I hope you accept my apology because I feel foolish.”


“Please don’t put this in your blog”


Ok ok I asked him permission to at least write a synopsis of this and he agreed. I’m not a total meanie.


Did you know there’s an app to rate guys that you’ve gone out with now?? An anonymous app where girls can tell other girls what a guy is really like. You say whether its an ex, a previous hookup or someone you’re still talking to- you rate them based on hilarious hashtags, both positive and negative ones.










The architect got #cantdance

WOW bitch. WOW. Yea, he can’t dance- he’s in a fucking wheelchair!


Wheelchair BMW driver — The architect

Ok when I was thinking of his code name….I did it all wrong. I feel like a racist or something calling him the wheelchair. Just because he’s in a wheelchair- that’s how I’m going to identify him? I’m such an asshole. No, he is the architect. He’s way more than one physical feature of him.

When the architect and I met on okcupid we spoke for a week and I decided to give him my number. His profile really stood out to me I remember because he was very confident and basically called out girls that would message him out of pity. And his knowledge of nice legit ATL restaurants spot on.

The architect has been every where in ATL that I want to go to eat. He goes to restaurants on the weekend they open. He knows his shit.

After I give him my number he doesn’t use it. I’m thinking oh meh I guess he’s not interested then. But he explains that he will text me when we’ve been talking long enough. Ok- I can do that.

Two weeks later I am running late to Krog Street Market to meet him. It’s raining. He moved where we were going to meet because the first place, although they were accessible, they were not comfortable accessible he explains. I can’t imagine….having to call a restaurant before a first date to ask them about their accessibility? Said it wouldn’t have been good for him to have to squeeze into this small place he had first picked.

He’s cute. Has a gold chain on…meh not my thing- a little guido if you ask me. We get our name on the list at Craft Izakaya and decide to go grab a beer at Hop City. It’s a tall bar you walk up to and they have like 30 drafts. People watch us. It’s different, but I don’t mind it actually. I hold our beers while we try to find a seat. He is really strong actually, constantly using his arms to push himself around.

Dinner was unbelievably Delicious. We laugh a lot. He tells me I’m a hot date. We go back to Hop City after and have another drink even because we are enjoying each other so much. I tell him I want him to show me how he drives his car. So we go out to the parking garage and he has to teach me how to entirely take apart his wheelchair and put it in his BMW trunk so I can sit with him in the passenger seat.

I was actually nervous. What if I fuck this up? He even has a laminated tutorial in the trunk for his friends and family when they do this for him. When he’s alone, he undoes the wheelchair wheels and what not and puts it next to him in the passenger seat. I realize as I’m bending over trying to figure out how it all comes apart that he’s checking me out. I got a huge rush of excitement run through me catching him like that.

He takes me to my car and I realize I don’t have my phone… you see a fucking trend of this or is it just me…..when I get out of the car, I go to the trunk and move his wheelchair back to his passenger seat. OK how is our first kiss going to work? I’m not sitting next to him anymore….should I go over to the driver window and lean in? Does he even want to kiss me? He has to.

I go around to the driver side and right before I am going to lean in for the first kiss—I see my phone… a puddle next to my car……It has been sitting in that puddle all through dinner, probably fell out of my lap as I got out of my car. Shit.

We laugh about it and he says “you can kiss me now, you know” and I do.

He offers to have me follow him back to my place since I didn’t have my GPS. When I get home, I lean in again and kiss him. We kiss a little longer this time. He wanted to go out longer and try another bar, without my phone and all I don’t know I just wasn’t feeling it.

He asked me out again the next day for that next Wednesday. When I woke up that day I was having an allergic reaction to something or other I ate and my entire face is all puffed up and red, my eyes are swollen shut. I explain and cancel- I think he thought I was blowing him off though.

He adds me on facebook and we chat once or twice more but he kind of fades away. His pictures on his facebook are him at nightclubs with big groups, beautiful girls sitting in his lap. He told me he gets asked a lot by wasted people if he is sexually capable- but not in those terms. More in blunt rude terms. I never asked him after hearing him say that. If he wants to tell me, he will I decided.

I started thinking about him after seeing him post on facebook pictures of new restaurants he was trying like Cokentrice and Illegal Food so I text him and ask if I could twist his arm to try to go to Pallookaville again like we were for our second date. No twisting necessary he says.

We were planning on going out tonight. The snow was supposed to come here yesterday and today so I started thinking we may have to reschedule AGAIN which really may put a nail in the coffin to it all.

Well to pull from another post I’m about to do- I’m out with the set dresser Wednesday after spending the night together for the first time, we have grabbed breakfast, went to IKEA to shop for his new apartment and decide we will get snowed in together- so Publix is next. Our cart is full, we are flirting and touching every once in a while, laughing. He’s a little further down the aisle when I notice a guy in a wheelchair out of the corner of my eye looking at the same things on the shelves as me. It happens in like 3 seconds, but literally I did go through the whole thought process of- well I only know ONE person in a wheelchair– there’s no way the architect is next to me right now, RIGHT? I look over and his name bursts out of me with a surprised smile.


Wow- he looks good. Like really good. He has this full beard now. I tell him I was just going to have texted him about dinner and what not with the weather. Tell him I’m shopping with a friend and gesture towards where the set dresser is but he doesn’t take his eyes off me. We decide to move our dinner to the weekend and we say bye.

The set dresser walks up closer to me and asks who that was. I said well it’s someone I’ve dated. Couldn’t read his reaction really….intrigue? Not jealousy. IDK…

I text the architect later that day and say I was so happy to see him. He tells me that he had actually seen me earlier in the store and was checking me out from behind but didn’t see it was me. Says he loves a girl in boots and a dress. I tell him he looked incredibly handsome to me too and I’m hoping to see him again.