One nighters: The writer

I don’t want one night stands. I never go into seeing a guy because I have those intentions. I accept dates with guys after talking with them for a while, sometimes months of talking as with the writer and preppy boy too. Long phone calls like the cop. Daily phone calls with the fireman over a span of a few weeks. Added on facebook immediately by the recovering addict because he was deleting his okcupid account but still wanted to keep messaging with me.

I don’t arrive at dates thinking, oh I’m going to try and get some action tonight. No, I want a relationship. I like these guys. Their personalities. We have been clicking. They are handsome. They made me laugh. They asked me about myself. They were charming.

fingers crossed

I met the writer right after the actor. I thought- ok this is my second chance. This guy has SO much substance, creativity and is a grown up. Has a job, is applying for grad school, has a grown up apartment with a bar and a keyboard, wears a suit. He’s younger than me but he is so cute and when he wears his glasses….

The night I met him after months of back and forth and big chunks of just not getting on okcupid, I was at Leon’s checking out the guy that works there. Turns out he’s really short. I end up eye fucking another bartender. Turns out the other bartender NOTICES and asks his friend (the guy I’ve been talking to but have never met) My friend texts me saying umm are you eye fucking the other bartender- he’s 21, did you know that?

Ooops.

hehe

I’m already out. I text the writer to come be spontaneous and finally meet me. We go to Victory. I’m already tipsy. I ask him questions I already knew the answer to but I just couldn’t remember or keep straight. Like where did he go to school, does he have siblings.

We kiss at the bar after I tell him it’s hard to not want to kiss him. He shouldn’t have taken me home. He shouldn’t have even let me drive. He actually suggests me just riding with him and walking to MARTA the next morning in midtown. I was like….ew..no.

We drink more at his high rise apartment with gorgeous views. I go back and forth and back and forth about wanting to sleep with him while we are getting intimate. I think….well I lost the actor because I was all reserved. I don’t want to lose another guy so fast.

The next morning he takes FOREVER getting ready so I start exploring his bookcase. I put a little note under his laptop that says “you are so hot. yours, *****”

He lets me borrow one of his books. I love how he underlines things in his book. I think ok he’s gonna see me again. He’ll want his book back duh.

I mention that he hasn’t touched or kissed me ONCE since we woke up. He takes his pointer finger and pokes my arm and says, better???

glee

Gives me a peck at my car in the parking deck and I leave.

I text him a lot. I’m just in bed not working because it’s now Christmas and work is closed. I devour the book. I read his writing online. He’s working a lot. I ask to see him before he goes out of town for the holidays. Too busy.

I ask him to be my date for New Years Eve. He already has plans with friends. I start teasing him that he better watch out or I’ll get swept up by someone else.

He ummm didn’t take too kindly to that.

He stops returning my texts let alone ever answering a random phone call I might try. We are facebook friends, I see him post things daily. I know he can text me back.

fuck me right text

He tells me the night that I end up taking a pregnancy test that he wore a condom…wow I can’t even remember I’m thinking…that’s how drunk I was. Classy. He says that being with a girl is like 5th on his priority list. He has his job, family and friends, writing, and grad school applications.

He’s moving soon out of ATL. Don’t know where because he won’t respond to my facebook messages asking how all the applications turned out. I deleted his number two months ago from my phone. To not let there be late night temptation to try and salvage something that never was. I did like him. So much creativity there. He got me writing.

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Do you laugh that loud because you want attention?

That’s what the set dresser asked me last night. My roommate said I should have walked out immediately.

I didn’t.

disapproval

But I got kicked out at 3am. Because I put the brakes on us in bed. He said I was making him uncomfortable. That all girls are crazy. That I wanted it, and then I didn’t and that that’s too 180 for him. That I make him always seem like the bad guy.

He starts blowing up my phone as I pull out of his complex and says he followed me out to try to stop me because he didn’t want to be THAT guy. But I had already pulled away.

Then I realized I left my makeup bag there so I had to go get it today. He was overly sweet to me. Holding me and hugging me and saying sorry. I said it’s ok. He said no it’s not. It wasn’t ok.

Then he says- oh yea my friend saw you on tinder. I say how does your friend know what I look like or who I am? He blushes. Uh huh…..you’ve talked to your friends about me!!

We decide to do Taco Tuesday after I get off work. I call him, he says he’s tied up with something and he’ll call back. Wait. Wait. Hungry. 10pm I text him saying I HAVE to eat. He says- sorry darling out with some coworkers for drink.

Wow. I’m stupid. Why do I let someone treat me like this……

shake

The actor and the 39 year old

So I just got suggested to go to yet another one of the actor’s monthly improv events that he’s a part of. Damn it’s tempting.

But he’s an asshole. So freaking self absorbed. I mean- he’s an actor, it makes sense honestly. He’s really fucking hot. And he knows it.

children

He was my FIRST DATE after not dating for almost half a year. And you know what? I asked HIM out. I met him on Tinder and immediately gave him my number because I was so floored by his looks and his pictures of him on stage and that we had similar friends.

I went in my baggy teacher pants with like seven layers on to the EARL on a Thursday to meet him for food and drinks. I was IN AWE by his hotness. There’s no way he thinks I’m hot I was thinking. He tells me how refreshing it is to have been asked out by a girl who knows what she wants and goes for it.

After dinner we go to two other bars just eating up each other’s conversation, finding out mutual friends, travel stories, love stories, he loves Phillip Glass-yes please- I’m like HOW ARE YOU SINGLE?! He says he is just picky. I’m telling you people, he can be. He is SO. FREAKING. HANDSOME.

cant even

So he manages a bar too. Late nights, long days. We go back to his place and I assure him multiple times that I didn’t not want to hookup. He finally kisses me in his tiny little studio apartment in the highlands and sweet slow kisses start becoming hotter and faster and we are heaving with breaths just wanting to tear apart at each other. He tries multiple times to take off my clothes, but no. He’s also the first and last date I ever ever ever wore spanx on. Because obviously he felt them.

He takes his pants off twice and I tell him to put them back on. I won’t even look down I tell him. We kiss till 4am and I tell him I should leave. I go to Florida for an art show I’m in and we text a lot about how much we can’t stop thinking about each other.

We go out a few days after one of his acting workshops and play darts. He’s just so hot. He’s scruffier this time, tired but still hot. Wearing a beanie cap hat thing. Just too hot, I’m serious. I tell him he even smells of hot sex. He tells me I look like hot sex. Wow, am I actually good looking again? I am so unsure of myself. Really. I had like zero confidence.

He won’t kiss me in public. We sit on the same side of the booth and we start holding hands. I’m like this is it. This is who I’m going to be with. How lucky am I that the first guy I meet online after being single again is the one for me?

We go back to his place and kiss harder than ever. He does the whole hand around my neck thing which sends me reeling. He’s pretty dominant. It’s so new and different but I am pumping the brakes hard. He gets weird and is like I thought we were cool, I thought we talked about stuff and were ok with this. I say I should leave. We don’t stop holding each other and I tell him I want him to tell me to stay. He does.

We end up in bed and I’m so self conscious and nervous he doesn’t want me I go down on him to show him I’m the real deal. That I am something that he wants. He immediately falls asleep after I’m done. I lay there feeling embarrassed that I went ahead and did that, put on my jacket and walk out.

done

I’m almost back at my car and I get a text from him asking why I left. It’s like 4am at this point. We go back and forth and I tell him I felt shitty with him just falling asleep like that after we started becoming intimate. He says I’m over thinking it and that he feels like he’s always on trial with me. I do not get that comment. What does he even mean? This must be some ex girlfriend shit he’s still dealing with saying something like that to me.

He says maybe we should just move on. I go back up to his place and walk in and say- WHAT?! Really? Move on? After those kisses we’ve exchanged?! Because I KNOW you are feeling what I’m feeling and this is not just some common thing that happens. We get back in bed and fall asleep. He has the day off but says he has lots of errands to run.

As I’m driving home I text him, “that’s the last time I’ll ever see you isn’t it?”

No response.

why

Couple weeks go by. I text him everyday. The very next guy I go out with, the writer, sleep with him the first night. Next couple guys, sleep with first night.

New Years Eve happens and I text the actor a picture of me all dressed up and he immediately texts me that I look really sexy. WHAT?! WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN DUDE?!

He explains that he has worked closing shifts every single night since we had last seen each other including Christmas eve and that he’s about to quit his job and he’s really stressed out. He says he can’t give me what I’m looking for.

Heartbreaking cue go.

crying

I won’t cry over a boy I met two times. I won’t cry over a boy I met two times. Come on girl you can do this.

We go back and forth a few more times and I’m just always jonesing to see him really bad. Maybe he will change and be better once he quits his job, which he does end up quitting I see on his facebook. I meet the snowboarder at this point and I start texting the actor that the way the snowboarder kisses me is love, not lust. I tell the actor that I shouldn’t have ever felt those things for him. And that I get the difference now. All those first kisses with the actor were purely lust. With the snowboarder it was so different.

Well as you know, the snowboarder fucking disappears so here I am retreating back to the actor again. We finally meet again and I pick him up one Sunday night. I couldn’t wait another minute. I park and get out and we immediately go into each other’s arms without saying a word and kiss and kiss and kiss in the parking lot.

makeout

We go out to the same last place we had gone out to and catch up. He has gone out with one other girl once since the last month or two. I’ve probably been out with 15…but I don’t say that of course. He talks about how hard it was quitting his job and that he’s looking at applying to the Wrecking Bar and focusing on acting. He basically does all the talking that night, not really asking much about me.

This couple sits next to us and tell me I’m the most beautiful girl in there and the man looks at the actor and says- is this your girl? He says yes.

happy

We talk to them for a while at the bar and they are overly sweet to both of us. And you know what? We ARE the best looking people in the bar. He is by far the most handsome confident captivating guy in the whole bar. And I look good too, damnit. I’m wearing the most flattering dress I own with knee high boots on and I’m at my lowest weight in years.

He kisses me at the bar. WOW WOW WOW WOW I KNOW that is a big deal for him. He never would let me kiss him out I remembered.

happy2

We go back to his place and go crazy on each other. He immediately has me nailed up against a wall in his kitchen but I’m hesitant still about him taking my clothes off. I mean, I’ve already slept with a lot of guys by this point who hit it and quit it and it SUCKED. Yes, I had an amazing time with them but the aftermath really stung.

He starts talking about how when the couple asked him if I was his girl, that it felt natural and correct and easy to immediately respond, yes, this is my girl. And he also mentions the public kiss. I knew he knew it was a big deal. He knew I knew it was a big deal for him.

We have sex. One thing that was crazy beautifully hot was he would ask me who I was when we were doing it. Like I’d have to answer “I’m yours.” He wanted me to be his and I wanted to be his.

But honestly it was just ok sex…I don’t finish and he can’t keep it up. We drank too much and it’s just all sloppy and all over the place really. The next morning we play a little more but I still don’t finish. He wants to go do errands, so I leave.

I text him later asking how it went at the Wrecking Bar. He says good. Don’t hear from him again. Shit. Mother Fucking Fucker.

angry

The next week, I’m going out with the 39 year old and he takes me to the Wrecking Bar. My heart stops. There’s the actor at the bar working. So the interview he went on went THAT well. He works there now. Shit.

He looks like a little boy compared to the 39 year old honestly. He avoids eye contact with me at all costs. I have an excellent date with the 39 year old, laughing, exchanging stories. We walk right past the actor eating dinner as the bar is closing. He looks down quickly when I take my last look at him.

The 39 year old kisses me at the valet. When we are starting to pull out of the parking lot, he stops his car and gets out and comes by my car. I roll the window down and he says he forgot to tip the valet. He kisses me again. I’m seriously like coming out of my window wrapping myself around the 39 year old while in my car, really enjoying it. I’m almost positive the actor saw it all happen.

The next day, I text the actor that he looked like a child compared to who I was out with. Obviously, I haven’t heard from him again.

But fuck it- I’ll be real. He does something to me. It must be his confidence, his charm, his looks duh, his I don’t really give a fuck about you manner……..I want him. I want to see him again.

Maybe I will be finding myself at his show Tuesday. I know. I know. This is what you’re thinking isn’t it:

snape

Birthdays

Today is the snowboarder’s birthday. And the artist’s. The snowboarder hasn’t responded to me in a day. I offered to be there at midnight when his birthday starts and kiss him to start his new year of life off in a beautiful way.

I wished the artist happy birthday on a text today. We keep saying we will get together but we don’t. Last time I saw him was a couple weeks ago when we went to an estate sale together and bought supplies. I don’t really see any potential there except for a friend. We slept together the first night we met.

noidea

I honestly don’t even like his art. It’s too abstract for me. But he eats up vintage things like me. We would ogle at old letters in the basement of this house together. Try on old clothes.

Honestly, I was mean to him that day- by accident. He opened up about something or other and I blurted out that I was surprised he had so much substance because he kind of just seemed like a player party boy. He did not take that well. Duh. Why would someone ever say that to someone? “Oh wow you AREN’T a total dumbass, you have cool interests and things to offer!”

facepalm

So. Smooth.

But we still talk pretty often through text. We may paint together in the future. He has a cool studio in his attic.

Love is art Hero 1 IIHIH

The Beatle

Oh the Beatle. Both his first and last name are names of Beatle’s members first and last names. He’s my musical muse in a way. He has turned me onto new singers and bands more than anyone I can remember. We have the exact same taste in music. Catfish and the bottleman, Zella Day, Alex Winston, Banks to name a few—all were because of him. All of those covers on my instagram I sing and play, thanks to him I learned those.

Obsessed with this band now.

Listen to all of this girls songs.

beatles

I met him the same day I met him. It was the second time I downloaded tinder to my phone. He was my first match. He said he was going to the EARL to see a show and so I just decided to meet him there.

He’s a weird mix of personalities. He went to Ole Miss and hast these pictures of him looking super fratastic. But then he has these other photos of him looking semi hipster and hip. He’s both a financial accountant and a movie and TV extra here in ATL. So he really pulls off these thick rimmed glasses, Vampire Diaries costumes he’s put in but then he always completely rocks the whole northface jacket look.

We really hit it off that night. After the show we went across the street for another drink and we were comparing how big his hands were compared to mine, and then we just never separated hands. We just kept holding hands there while drinking.

When we started walking back to our cars it started raining. He pushed me hard against my car and kissing me there in the rain. It was like lightning hitting me. We decide to go get in his HUGE car…like really it’s some kind of like escalade or something- ridiculous. The kissing is hard and fast and intense.

fanning

When I get home after that we text little naughty things to each other for hours into the morning.

He meets me at Twain’s the next week after work and it’s so comfortable walking up to the door with his arm around me in our big jackets. We tease each other a lot, it’s like a mean flirtation in some ways which is the kind that makes me laugh the most. But then he will slip in these beautiful compliments every once in a while about my eyes or how he’s been wanting to kiss me so much. I tease that he actually is a big sweetheart underneath the whole cool guy prep/also hipster look. He says he is but he’s been too fucked over by girls in his life. Great…..

His pet is a rabbit. His ex’s rabbit. And he loves this rabbit. Yep.

He lives really far out of the city….with his parents….

But with these weird things I’m still wildy attracted to him. He’s so confident and sure of him. He’s handsome and funny and has the best taste in music. I have him over and we go crazy on each other- not even making it to the bed, just on my rug. Not sex- jesus give me a break.

He heads out since it’s a weekday and he has a real job. We text EVERY SINGLE day. I honestly can’t say that about any other guy I’ve hung out with. We exchange music links, flirtations, pictures, complaints about life.

But it’s been three, gosh maybe four weeks since that night at Twain’s. I ask him to hang out, he asks me to hang out and it just hasn’t happened. He’ll work late, I’ll work late, he’s tired…..I have another date…..etc lol

My best friend from high school is in town visiting this weekend and we are out at Argosy last night. The Beatle texts me saying he’s in my neck of the woods and is just not done with work stuff. It’s 9:30pm dang dude that’s a shitty job. I tell him we are in the village at Argosy and well….I get a tap on my shoulder a little after that.

taylorreacts

God damnit I forgot how handsome he is in those glasses. What a nice surprise to see him. My friend sweetly allows him to take his seat and we try to catch up a little bit. I tell him I wish he would try harder to see me more often. And that I’ve been seeing other people. He asks how many. I said five. He asks me to describe each of them. Ok…. you asked for it buddy.

Told him about the set dresser, the piercer, the architect, YTS and the arrested father (yes, the arrested father is a new one I’ve never even mentioned on this blog yet)

But honestly- if I remember correctly about when I actually did last see The Beatle, I’ve actually dated many more guys since then than just those five.

I see my friends closing out their tabs but I really don’t want the night to end. But crap wow it’s already after midnight?! Where did the time go?

I walk The Beatle out the car and the sweet compliments start slipping into conversation as we stroll. I tell him again I really do think he is a secret nice guy and doesn’t want to admit it. We sit in the car, knowing my friends are waiting for me. We don’t have enough time……he kisses me. But fucking A, Beatle, you start going under my dress IMMEDIATELY?! I’m like dude put on the brakes for fuck’s sake. He jokes that he couldn’t help it and had been staring all night wanting to do that. We kiss a little more and I run back inside the bar.

We text little nothings to each other all night again….I bug him that he needs to grow up and move into the city already.

I wonder if he’ll make me wait four weeks to see him again.

frustration