The set dresser is back…and then left again…and then came back again

So last month the set dresser started emailing me. Then texting. Then he came over. Then we started dating again. Then he exploded over something. Then he kicked me out of his place and told me “fuck you I’m done.” Then he called me. Now he calls me and keeps me on the phone for 30 minute plus conversations.

I just don’t get him.

I shouldn’t. Why do I even waste ANY breath on a guy who treats me like this. He’s not at all what I want in a partner. He treats me like shit.

He insists now that we were never together now. That we were just “talking.” That is annoying to me. He was so persistent about how wasn’t seeing anyone else and that if I liked him enough, I would want to do the same for him. But we WERENT together now. Huh?

NOW when he calls he just won’t get off the phone. I don’t know what he even wants from me. He says No I don’t want a girlfriend, I don’t have time for a girlfriend, I don’t have time for this shit, I don’t want it.

THEN he tells me he took another girl to a Braves game this weekend. Fuck off.

Tally guy

Tally as in Tallahasseee. I’m a Tallahassee Lassie actually so me and this guy have many mutual friends.

Last week we met up last minute to see some stand up comedy. When he came and sat next to me at the bar, he got up and just walked away after a few minutes. I literally thought, ok he hates me and he’s just leaving- ok…..

awkw

But he went outside to smoke…..but he didn’t say anything! I mean I know we were watching a show, but wouldn’t you say something? Like Hey I’ll be right back.

When he got back he recognized the two people next to me as Tally people too and we all went outside and chatted and reminisced of the good ol capital city.

We all stuck together all night. So I actually never had a conversation with him. I figured he was just more comfortable with that. And I did like that couple we were with. My second time ever at the Clairmont Lounge too!

AGAIN- he walked away from me there. Just started wondering off. For like ten minutes!

sups

Is he high?

We went to another bar across the street and he did it again! No saying anything- just strolling away. Leaving me with his two friends who were slowly becomming my friends too.

When we all went back to his friend’s house after the bars closed I’m thinking ok it’s 3am and we’ve been together since 9:30 so he must be getting really annoyed with me or is really just shy because I CANNOT tell if he’s into me at all still. I say I’m gonna uber home but he says no no I’ll drive you.

A bro hug. It’s 5 am and I was given a bro hug. After like over 7 hours of hanging out.

Yep this guy’s not into me.

notinto

But then he texts when I get home and I call him out on it- you know you could have kissed me. He says he didn’t get that vibe from me!

I don’t even hear from him all week so I just start figuring that was an excuse. No big deal.

But then he calls me this week and decide to meet up at another comedy show. Again- the disappearing thing. Over and over. This time, there are no people to distract me as much like last time. The standing around by myself is like unbearably weird.

I go back to his place- a shit show- his place, not me. I pass out and we both kept our clothes on the entire time. He doesn’t try ANYTHING. I’m so confused. He says he likes to take it slow. We finally cuddle after what seems like hours of both of us being awake but just lying there with our eyes closed awkwardly.

The next morning he makes me coffee and eggs and drives me back to my car. Takes my hand and kisses it. While he’s on the phone….Like it’s a sweet gesture but I was like GET OFF THE PHONE.

He texts me later that he looks forward to next time.

I don’t know……we’ll see.

smile

Five first dates-one week-five awesome makeout sessions

For some reason, I have been on a spur of first dates. All pretty great dates. All over 6 hours in length, lots of drinking and fun first kisses. BUT I’m already just not sure if any of these are going anywhere……..maybe I’m just a great first date and then I’m just some random girl these guys text every now and then.

The hot Indian

The Kohl’s guy

The hot Italian

The golfer

The wrestler

shoulder

So the hot dudes….fuck I’m tellin ya. Hot. Hot. Hot. Just very good looking dudes. BUT when it comes to that though they have VERY high confidence. Doesn’t really seem like these guys want anything but fun.

The hot Indian goes to work out of state M-R every week anyways, so like how is that gonna work? He’s three years younger than me too.

The hot Italian- we did video games at a bar, I’m talking Mortal Kombat, Jurassic Park etc. So freaking fun. AND karaoke at another bar. ANd ate fried artichoke hearts lol

HE was the one who put the brakes on in the makeout. At first I was like, huh ok maybe he’s just not into me. THEN he goes- I like you. I actually really like you. Let’s take this slow.

swoon

He was in the army. Has a couple scars. Has traveled the world. Good Italian boy, loves his mother. Has three brothers. Very easy to talk to. I couldn’t get enough.

BUT next day- I don’t hear from him at all……until 5am when I get not one, not two but THREE DICK PICS from him. He’s drunk……bruh.

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Ok yea but they were kinda hot pics tho…….

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The Kohl’s guy manages a Kohl’s store. He has a son. He was the worst of them all. He took me back to his place and played shitty Goo Goo Dolls on his acoustic guitar and tried pushing it too far in our makeout. When I said I was heading out for the night, we whined SO much about it saying I didn’t actually like him. I mean, it was fun to kiss him but like dude……

OH and he just randomly grabbed one of my boobs as I’m walking out for the night, and goes Oh yea just wanted to see if they were real.

creeped

The wrestler isn’t actually a wrestler. He referees local amateur wrestling things. He’s from Atlanta area originally too. I’m talking the fake wrestling, like WWE. At the age of 28. Heehee. But he took me on a great first date. A Braves game! It was a blast. His mom and sister are artists too so he has a great respect for it. We kissed on my front porch. Very sweet.

kristenwi

The golfer was last night. He just moved here like THIS week. But we matched when he was visiting before and apartment shopping. He’s a manager for the caddy department at a golf course in Buckhead. He’s very handsome but I can tell he’s balding already. He also has a tattoo of the Metallica symbol on his chest he told me about that he regrets. Wah wah.

I kissed him first actually. The last guy I did that with was the set dresser. I never kiss first. Not sure what inspired me. He was very funny and sarcastic and we kept doing this thing where we mimicked like the worst people ever on dates. Like “fuck boys” where they like lick their lips when talking or raise their eyebrows lol and then for me it was girls that talk very vocal-fry Kim Kardashian style. He has a redneck side for sure. Grew up on a farm. OH and he’s also that guy where he as showed up to online dates in the past, saw the girl before she saw him, didn’t find her attractive, and walked out and never texted her again. I can’t imagine ever doing that…..maybe I should sometimes though lol

deuces

The WORST date I’ve ever been on

About three weeks ago, the first date I went on after the drama that was the set dresser, I went on the WORST FUCKING DATE ever.

He was an artist, super handsome, tall scrawny guy in his early thirties. We matched on okcupid and then again on tinder and that’s when the ball kinda got rolling with conversation because it was like “Oh haha we must like each other with double matches.”

We chatted and he seemed charming and we spoke on the phone and then on a Monday, we facetimed too.

We were having some people over at my house and I told him after we facetimed that after he was done hanging with his buddies, he should swing by and have a beer here too.

He came over and I had had some beers, and it was clear he also had had some beers. We had two more on my porch swing and it seemed to click. He asked if I wanted to go out too. So we went over to a bar five minutes away. He stopped at the gas station to pick up cigarettes..bleh, again? Why do I keep finding the smokers? Set dresser, snowboarder, my four and half year relationship- huge smokers.

gross

We get to the bar and have a shot with some people sitting next to us in a big group. About an hour in red flags started.

He started slurring his words at one point and I teased him about it and mimicked it. He goes, “Is that supposed to be funny?” Umm….

I was like, I’m not being serious, I’m just being flirtatious and teasing you. He says- I don’t like sarcasm, I’m a scorpio. HUH?!

shockedcomm

THEN, a little later he goes, Why do you keep checking out other guys at the bar?

Wait, huh? Why would I do that? I’m here with YOU, I want to be here with YOU, why would I “check out other guys” on our first date, esepcially right in front of you? That doesn’t make any sense.

He says- well you keep looking around when you talk.

Right…I do…because it would be CREEPY to stare at someone you’re talking to every single second.

He says, well I would put my arm around you so people knew we were together, but I just feel like people would wonder ‘well what’s wrong with him, like why is he with someone that looks like that, there must be something weird with his personality I guess.’

ohno

WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?! Someone who “looks like that”???

He goes- Yea well, you know you could lose a few pounds.

shockedjoey

You have GOT TO BE SHITTING ME DUDE. I’m a size 10. Fuck off. Wow. I’m like- that is no freaking way to talk to someone, especially a girl you’re on a freaking first date with.

He says- well do you think you’ll do something about it? I mean, I couldn’t live with myself like that. I mean you’re bigger than ME.

Fuck my ass, really man? Yea- I’m bigger than you, I have curves and you’re a skinny scrawny dude. I’m a beautiful person and I am leaving, this is absolutley inappropriate.

He says- if you leave right now, I’m not paying for this stuff. So you’re basically robbing this bar if you get up and walk out right now.

fuckisthis

Wow….red flags galore. Just wow. Now I’m drunk AND I’m nervous.

I say okkkkkkk, I’m actually just gonna go to the bathroom then actually. But instead I went and found those original people who had the shot with us. Told them what was going on and how uncomfortable he was making me feel and that I just didn’t want to be around him anymore.

The waitress overhears this and explodes. Goes over to him and starts screaming: WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?! HOW DARE YOU?! THATS NOT HOW WE FUCKING TALK TO WOMEN IN THIS BAR THATS  A BEAUTIFUL GIRL OVER THERE WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU GET THE FUCK OUT and etc

HE gets up and gets in her face and starts screaming GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE DONT FUCKING TOUCH ME WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU blah blah blah

tay

He comes around the bar to try and come get me and this big dude gets in his way and is saying- you’re not going near her dude, get out.

He finally storms out. I’m in tears at this point just MORTIFIED. Turns out the big dude is the OWNER of the bar. Tells me to not worry about anything we had to drink, it’s on him and he was so sorry that that had happened to me and got me all the rest of my drinks that night.

I got escorted out to my uber in case that guy was outside. I cried when I got home again. What the fuck just happened to me? How did I let this guy over to my HOUSE and DRIVE me to this bar. How was I so trusting?

I came away from the whole thing learning a lot. But the biggest thing I learned came from my mom’s observation of it all. A couple months ago, when a guy treated me like shit, I put up with it. I made excuses. That night, as SOON as it started, I said no. No this is not happening. I will not stand for this. And when I felt like I couldn’t get out of it safely or ok- I got help. And it worked.

Sometimes I look for his car when I’m leaving my house still. I don’t even remember his name anymore. He was a valet boy. And 32. An “artist”

next

The lawyer

I met this recent law school grad on okcupid and then we also connected later on tinder and the ball started rolling with our conversation.

We had a sushi dinner and I really loved how much he had traveled the world. He was also ex military, and I respect that a lot.

After dinner, we were having such fun conversation, we decided to have a drink at the bar next door too. I asked him there who the little baby girl in his pictures were. His niece?

Nope. That’s his daughter. Huh….could’ve mentioned that by now dude.

annoyed

The night continued and he asked if it was ok to kiss me goodnight. Wow I thought. Someone is asking permission to touch me, this i new. The kiss was so polite and gentle, my initial reaction was that it was weird. But then I realized, that is the abuse leaking over into my thought process of how people should treat each other. Fuck.

We hung out two more times that week. Dave and busters, korean BBQ. Such fun dates. He kissed me in public. That was new. I forgot that that is also NOT a weird thing to do. Or to hold hands. Oof…. I am so skewed still, damint.

Some weird things came to light though over the dates. Like that he was still married and still getting through the divorce. That he’d been separated since August but it might be another year till the divorce goes through.

On our third date, his sister and her boyfriend joined us. They were so lovely. I actually liked him even more after having dinner with them all because I was like- OH so he isn’t weird. They are totally normal, she just got her Phd and he’s a bartender at an amazing place. It made me think, you know maybe this lawyer just got caught in some bad circumstances.

hope

Me and him stayed for one more glass of wine after dinner and I said Happy Father’s Day to him. He said- Oh well yea it’s too bad though because I didn’t get to see my children today actually.

Children? As in plural. Oh right- yea he didn’t want to scare me off he says so he didn’t bring up his other TWO children. Two boys 8 and 9. So he has a baby girl AND two children. And he only gets to see them once a month. Huh….

grossed

I was really unsure about seeing him again. When he asked me to go to the Shakespeare Tavern though, I was like DAMN yes please. I’ve nbere been taken there! By the time my work day was over though, we were both running late and we missed the beginning of the show and just decided to grab dinner instead.

Turns out his job he had started and was only three days into already laid him off that afternoon. Because he failed his criminal background check!

giveup

Whaaaaaat? And he doesn’t go into what it was! So I finally blurted out- ummm are you going to share what criminal or arrest history you have with me, or what? It wasn’t THAT bad but like STILL…Possession of marijuana when he was 18.

Later on too, he tells me his lawyer has advised him that we don’t date. That he can’t get into a relationship. That it can be used against him. But that he still wants to hang out. I’m just like at this point…..so. many. red. flags.

He ends up getting really hammered that night. Doing multiple shots that I didn’t join him on. Who does shots alone?

nicki

I’m trying to wane my way off answering his texts but turns out he left his gucci sunglasses in my car. Oof. He’s so handsome too. It’s such a shame.

Abuse part 2

It’s been about a month since I’ve seen or spoken to the set dresser. Getting back into dating has been quite bumpy. The first kiss since I’ve been back going out I had was so gentle and sweet, my initial reaction was- ew this is weird. And then I thought, NO- this is NORMAL. This is how a kiss should be. This is full of sweetness, and kindness.

gurl

Some nights I miss the set dresser. That makes me feel pathetic. To miss him. I realize I’m romanticizing very small rare moments we shared. But the happy times were not frequent. When I spoke to my therapist about it all, she asked about how much of the time I thought I was unhappy during it all. I honestly said 80%.

Sometimes when I speak about it all to a friend, I feel a sense of guilt even using the word abuse. I have no bruises, never did. Am I taking away from the women and men out there who have worse abuse? Real abuse? Is mine real? I got out. Many people can’t. I’m safe and I’m happy and I’m ok.

I think about following up with the people at HelloGiggles.com these days. I submitted my blog as an example of my writing to be an article writer for them. They asked for me to follow up with some example articles and titles that I would want to do. I never followed up because I was getting serious with the set dresser- and I thought to myself, how can I write about dating and such if I’m with someone now? And what would he think if he knew I’ve divulged some of our times together on the internet? He would flip.

I miss having someone to hang out with whenever. But I’ll find someone.

The last time I spoke with the set dresser, he had seen a drawing I did processing my pain and abuse I had on my instagram. It used sentences he would say to me but I never referenced him specifically in it. He said I was a psychopath and to take my creepy art down. That he was going to change his phone number and block me on everything because I was so crazy. I remember just thinking- wow, am I getting punished again? He is now the one rejecting me because I finally called him out on this stuff?

sad

I read some articles on abuse and narcissists. It just all adds up. This is what I’ve been dealing with. Even through my time of process, he still found a way to hurt me again.

Piecing together my self worth and self esteem is a work in progress. Staying busy and going out with friends I’d lost touch with seems to be the best medicine. Although I could seriously cut back on the drinking…

I know that self medicating by binge drinking while I’m out with friends can get very dangerous. I wonder if my friends notice.

singlegirls

Abuse

Well I ended it two days ago with the set dresser. My roommate had me have his phone number up and ready on my phone to call if I needed him. He stayed in his car and waited while I approached TSD to end things.

I was scared.

rhi

How did it come to this? How did I allow myself to be in a relationship where I am scared of my partner, of what he will do and say.

I feel like I’ve been worn down. Slowly, daily, worn down and chipped away. My self esteem and confidence left in a pile of garbage. I feel like garbage. He makes me feel like garbage.

“Why are you making yourself cry?”

“See, this is why I don’t want a girlfriend. Why can’t you just be normal?”

“You’re overreacting.”

“If you just came over here to give me shit, then get out.”

“I don’t have time for this girl drama.”

I remember my mom was the first person to use the word “abuse” when describing his behavior with me. Then my roommate, then my best friend last week.

bed

I tried to end it last week when I was with my best friend. She had helped give me the confidence to. He blew up of course. Then, the next morning he showed up at my house and I forgave him.

Later that day though at his house, I had to apologize for telling him that he wasn’t allowed to text or call me when I was breaking up with him. Promise that I’d never say the sentence again “I don’t want to see you anymore.” I was told that I’m too self-righteous and always blame others for my problems and my sadness and I needed to apologize for putting that on him or to get out of his house.

I did it. And I stayed. I feel so dumb.

people

I told him about two weeks ago that him playfully hitting me when we hung out or when I said something he didn’t like was starting to get weird and cross the line. He still does it.

I told him months ago to not touch my stomach. To not grab at it, or poke it and make comments about that I could work out and get the excess fat there gone. He still does it.

I told him not to threaten to kick me out of his apartment when we get in a disagreement or I’m not “being chill.” He still does it.

I remember when he got fired from the biggest movie happening right now. He blamed it all on other people. I woke up that next morning after he called me and brought him a card saying he was great and he will find an even better thing to do with his career. Left the card next to his door.

His beautiful blonde neighbor saw it and mentioned it to him when they bumped into each other in the hall. She said I think your girlfriend left you something there. He said “That’s not my girlfriend, she’s just a stalker.” And he told me this story laughing, thinking it would make me laugh. I guess?

I remember the first time we met his neighbor. He was outside smoking. He has me come outside and stand with him when he smokes so he doesn’t get bored. She let her dog out and we all chatted and then we had a drink at her house and then jammed a little on guitar. When we closed his door and said goodnight with her, the first thing he said was “Oh god she’s going to think you are my girlfriend.” I cried that night. When he realized how demeaning a statement was like that, he said he was just joking. And that I should learn how to take a joke.¬† He said he doesn’t like labels. But we had been exclusive for over two months at this point and saw and spoke to each other every day.

drink

He has no attachments with his family. He mostly talks ill about them. I met two of his best friends-the twins- he’s known since he was in preschool. The other day he went on a rant about how much they suck and they are hypocrites and assholes because they didn’t get him a job on the movie they’re on. I think he has two friends here in Atlanta besides the twins, his supposed best friends. The twins are both working on a huge movie here. They didn’t get TSD a spot on the movie but got all their other contacts a spot to work. Now I’m’ starting to understand why.

He’s been let go of jobs twice since I’ve met him. And his two best friends didn’t get him on the next big project happening in Atlanta. His other friend who I’ve hung out with the most and even went to dinner with him in his wife says TSD gets in “these moods” and is “grumpy.” So I’m not crazy, right? Other people in his life think he’s kind of a dickhead too, right?

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