Professional success

I will say with all this personal disgrace and poor life choices dating wise, I am having a lot of professional success. My best art shows I’ve ever had.

I’m so jaded in my dating life. Just really at the bottom. In a future post, I may go into it more. But I currently carry two pepper sprays now because of an incident with a date two months ago. And I still date. I still online date. Even after that.

Chris Pratt came to my art show Friday night. No one’s done that since the set dresser in May. When the TSD came, he was hungover, sat at my booth on his phone, told me I was talking to loud to the shoppers and left before it was over because he felt sick.

When Chris Pratt came, he brought me food and drink. I had been texting him how tired I was starting to feel. Didn’t ask for food and drink but he knew it would hit the spot and picked it up on the way. Dang. Is this what being around a good guy is like?

After the show wrapped up, he walked me to my car and asked if we could have a beer together. It was really nice and I laughed so much with him. Our kisses that night were very sweet and soft. I really hope I get to see him again soon. He was the only person who texted me yesterday asking how my student’s holiday recitals went. A good number of guys I’m dating knew I was doing that yesterday but no one else asked about it.

My roommate says I should stop looking for love. That it will happen when I’m least looking for it. That I deserve a good guy. That’s a big deal coming from him. He’s the roommate that I don’t get along with often.

It’s thunder and it’s lightning

And it’s all things that’s frightening. —–We were promised jetpacks

Went to that concert (those are the lyrics to one of their songs above) last week with Chris Pratt. Started listening to them with TSD (the set dresser) in February. And yep, he was the first person we run into at the concert. I should have known.

I continue to get hammered because I’m red, my heart is racing and I just can’t believe I’ve run into him while I’m on a date. I THEN drunk text him. I told him he looked rough and I hope he was doing ok. Then I said “we hope you’re doing ok” (Whyyyyyy) And he texts back- WE? Like you and your boyfriends, fuck that phony shit, fuck off.

When I get back home Chris Pratt and I did have the best kisses we ever had. I think he gained his confidence back or something. It was dominant and incredibly sexy.

But what does my drunk ass do? Oh well when he leaves for the night, I proceed to text and have the sound engineer over. Then WE makeout for hours and we decide to have sex for the first time. He’s going to Mexico for two weeks today. I think we had sex, but not really….he couldn’t keep it up enough to really get it started.

THEN when he leaves, as always when he gets embarrassed, I text the set dresser to come over!!! What the fuck is wrong with me.

A couple days later he starts texting and then calling me. He’s on drugs and wasted at a bar down the street and saying he’s going to drive. I tell him to stop and I drop everything to go and get him. Embarrassing. I should have ignored him.

At the bar, he tells me about how he got a girlfriend a week after telling me he didn’t want, didn’t have time for and didn’t ever want a girlfriend. He “doesn’t know what makes her fit better for him.” But now they’re on a break because she’s always out of town.

He tells me about how he hasn’t left his house in three days. That he hasn’t been eating. Hasn’t been getting work. That he shouldn’t have gone out in public anyways.

Guess who gets drunk and sleeps with him? I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. I couldn’t sleep after it. He couldn’t finish. He was so messed up.

 

I take him back to his car the next day and we decide to go shopping together. He tells me he doesn’t like what I’m wearing and to go home and change. Yep. When I get home he doesn’t answer my call to see where to meet him.

Two hours later, he texts me to come over. I do. God damnit.

We have sex and he doesn’t let me finish. I ask him to after he cleans up. He says no.

We go to dinner, I have to pay because he doesn’t have any money. I ask him to get off of his phone so we can talk more since we’re at this nice sit down restaurant. He tells me I’m an attention whore.

He then tells me I’m eating too slow and I must be doing it on purpose, so he gets up and waits in the car leaving me there alone while I pay and finish my drink.

In the car, he tells me about how this is why he hates this. That this is why he doesn’t want a girlfriend. Because I’m passive aggressive. I explain- What would even be my motivation to piss you off at dinner? I’m there to be with you and enjoy my evening. What would I even get out of pissing off someone I’m together with on purpose. He snaps, we’re not together. I say- I didn’t mean TOGETHER TOGETHER, like we are at dinner together, like I could be at dinner together with my mom or my friend. Fuck dude chill out.

I apologize for being passive aggressive. He starts bringing up our big fight and break up in May in the parking lot. Asking if I remembered how I acted in the parking lot that day, bringing my roommate to make me feel better. Making a scene. He says, once a person acts like that I lose all respect for them. You can’t trust people who behave through their emotions likes that. I said You’re one to speak, I acted like that because you pushed me to that point because of how shitty you treated me, because of the emotional abuse that drove to many nights of crying. That I didn’t want to break up with you alone and I had my roommate wait in the car with me for support. That because you wouldn’t come pick me up to get my car, I HAD to get a ride from my roommate back to his house anways. Because you threatened to leave my car keys in a bush instead of waiting for me to come pick them up because your life is so important and you had errands to run.

He says he just wants to be alone. I leave and cry an hour at home over a bottle of wine. Alone.

 

We didn’t even last 24 hours before arguing. But this isn’t arguing. There was no thing we disagreed about really. This is just a person who is a jerk and me trying to…..lose all my self respect?

 

Three dates in one night

New record y’all!

Unfortunately.

So the first date, I can’t even remember what he does for a job. Let’s call him the cute Highlands dude. We had been talking for MONTHS on and off. And he never followed through with meeting me. Like why did we even exchange numbers dude?

If I give you my number, we are meeting within a week. Don’t waste my time. Because we might totally not click in person. So this whole text flirting thing is just a waste of time.

I finally gave him an ultimatum after not hearing from him for a few weeks. Take me out tonight or you’re out of my phone. Ok he says.

At dinner with my mom, he texts me he has to cancel and that he knows he blew it. So I go home and I get this text around the time we were supposed to have met. It’s him at a bar with his friends. Ummmmmm.

He says that his work buddies forced him out and I should come and join. And I do……we meet somewhere else though just the two of us.

He’s already pretty buzzed and we proceed to do shots. He’s very touchy and complimentary for someone I’ve known for ten minutes. I tell him not to dare kiss me on the lips at a bar as our first kiss.So he grabs me as soon as we walk out of the door and does it. Eh.

I forced him to allow me drive him home because he is too drunk. It’s like 10:30 at night. He keeps trying to get in my pants in his apartment and I get him to sleep and text Tally guy to come hang out with me somewhere so I can salvage my night.

Next day cute Highlands guy texts me saying sorry he was an ass and he doesn’t remember much. He hasn’t followed up trying to make it up to me. But he does still text me.

So I go out and meet Tally guy who STILL hasn’t kissed me. This will be our fourth time hanging out. He does the same shit as usual, walking away for large chunks of time, knows everyone everywhere but doesn’t really introduce me, doesn’t pay for any of our drinks.

When we go to our second place and he starts doing coke again, I start texting a third guy to come hang out with me. I tell Tally guy I’ve gotta go see a friend and he’s like, cool I’ll come with you. I go to the bathroom to try to strategize how I’ll get out of this.

He still hasn’t kissed me. I don’t even know what this dude wants! To drink with my money? To have a cute girl near him?

I basically just walk back up and give him his shit I was holding for him back and tell him I’ll be right back.

I meet this new guy, let’s call him Young Glasses because I don’t remember what he does either. I was pretty drunk by then, it’s midnight. I’ve never met this guy before. My gf is the bartender at the bar we are at and shots continue again. I can’t really remember much about him but he was a good kisser.

We go back to his SHIT HOLE house. Like six guys living there, walking distance from the bar, mattress on the floor, milk crates holding his clothes. Pass out and he drives me back to my car the next morning.

Haven’t heard much from him since. I wouldn’t wanna go back to that roach place though. Even though he was really cute.

I ummmm had to take the next day off of work to recover from that shit show of lame boys though. Oh, and this huge ass bruise I got on my thigh from trying to crawl on the stage dancing with Tally guy. Thought I had broke something honestly. I’m ok now. Looks like a solar system on my leg. Brutal.

Tally guy

Tally as in Tallahasseee. I’m a Tallahassee Lassie actually so me and this guy have many mutual friends.

Last week we met up last minute to see some stand up comedy. When he came and sat next to me at the bar, he got up and just walked away after a few minutes. I literally thought, ok he hates me and he’s just leaving- ok…..

But he went outside to smoke…..but he didn’t say anything! I mean I know we were watching a show, but wouldn’t you say something? Like Hey I’ll be right back.

When he got back he recognized the two people next to me as Tally people too and we all went outside and chatted and reminisced of the good ol capital city.

We all stuck together all night. So I actually never had a conversation with him. I figured he was just more comfortable with that. And I did like that couple we were with. My second time ever at the Clairmont Lounge too!

AGAIN- he walked away from me there. Just started wondering off. For like ten minutes!

Is he high?

We went to another bar across the street and he did it again! No saying anything- just strolling away. Leaving me with his two friends who were slowly becomming my friends too.

When we all went back to his friend’s house after the bars closed I’m thinking ok it’s 3am and we’ve been together since 9:30 so he must be getting really annoyed with me or is really just shy because I CANNOT tell if he’s into me at all still. I say I’m gonna uber home but he says no no I’ll drive you.

A bro hug. It’s 5 am and I was given a bro hug. After like over 7 hours of hanging out.

Yep this guy’s not into me.

But then he texts when I get home and I call him out on it- you know you could have kissed me. He says he didn’t get that vibe from me!

I don’t even hear from him all week so I just start figuring that was an excuse. No big deal.

But then he calls me this week and decide to meet up at another comedy show. Again- the disappearing thing. Over and over. This time, there are no people to distract me as much like last time. The standing around by myself is like unbearably weird.

I go back to his place- a shit show- his place, not me. I pass out and we both kept our clothes on the entire time. He doesn’t try ANYTHING. I’m so confused. He says he likes to take it slow. We finally cuddle after what seems like hours of both of us being awake but just lying there with our eyes closed awkwardly.

The next morning he makes me coffee and eggs and drives me back to my car. Takes my hand and kisses it. While he’s on the phone….Like it’s a sweet gesture but I was like GET OFF THE PHONE.

He texts me later that he looks forward to next time.

I don’t know……we’ll see.

The WORST date I’ve ever been on

About three weeks ago, the first date I went on after the drama that was the set dresser, I went on the WORST FUCKING DATE ever.

He was an artist, super handsome, tall scrawny guy in his early thirties. We matched on okcupid and then again on tinder and that’s when the ball kinda got rolling with conversation because it was like “Oh haha we must like each other with double matches.”

We chatted and he seemed charming and we spoke on the phone and then on a Monday, we facetimed too.

We were having some people over at my house and I told him after we facetimed that after he was done hanging with his buddies, he should swing by and have a beer here too.

He came over and I had had some beers, and it was clear he also had had some beers. We had two more on my porch swing and it seemed to click. He asked if I wanted to go out too. So we went over to a bar five minutes away. He stopped at the gas station to pick up cigarettes..bleh, again? Why do I keep finding the smokers? Set dresser, snowboarder, my four and half year relationship- huge smokers.

We get to the bar and have a shot with some people sitting next to us in a big group. About an hour in red flags started.

He started slurring his words at one point and I teased him about it and mimicked it. He goes, “Is that supposed to be funny?” Umm….

I was like, I’m not being serious, I’m just being flirtatious and teasing you. He says- I don’t like sarcasm, I’m a scorpio. HUH?!

THEN, a little later he goes, Why do you keep checking out other guys at the bar?

Wait, huh? Why would I do that? I’m here with YOU, I want to be here with YOU, why would I “check out other guys” on our first date, esepcially right in front of you? That doesn’t make any sense.

He says- well you keep looking around when you talk.

Right…I do…because it would be CREEPY to stare at someone you’re talking to every single second.

He says, well I would put my arm around you so people knew we were together, but I just feel like people would wonder ‘well what’s wrong with him, like why is he with someone that looks like that, there must be something weird with his personality I guess.’

WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?! Someone who “looks like that”???

He goes- Yea well, you know you could lose a few pounds.

You have GOT TO BE SHITTING ME DUDE. I’m a size 10. Fuck off. Wow. I’m like- that is no freaking way to talk to someone, especially a girl you’re on a freaking first date with.

He says- well do you think you’ll do something about it? I mean, I couldn’t live with myself like that. I mean you’re bigger than ME.

Fuck my ass, really man? Yea- I’m bigger than you, I have curves and you’re a skinny scrawny dude. I’m a beautiful person and I am leaving, this is absolutley inappropriate.

He says- if you leave right now, I’m not paying for this stuff. So you’re basically robbing this bar if you get up and walk out right now.

Wow….red flags galore. Just wow. Now I’m drunk AND I’m nervous.

I say okkkkkkk, I’m actually just gonna go to the bathroom then actually. But instead I went and found those original people who had the shot with us. Told them what was going on and how uncomfortable he was making me feel and that I just didn’t want to be around him anymore.

The waitress overhears this and explodes. Goes over to him and starts screaming: WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?! HOW DARE YOU?! THATS NOT HOW WE FUCKING TALK TO WOMEN IN THIS BAR THATS  A BEAUTIFUL GIRL OVER THERE WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU GET THE FUCK OUT and etc

HE gets up and gets in her face and starts screaming GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE DONT FUCKING TOUCH ME WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU blah blah blah

He comes around the bar to try and come get me and this big dude gets in his way and is saying- you’re not going near her dude, get out.

He finally storms out. I’m in tears at this point just MORTIFIED. Turns out the big dude is the OWNER of the bar. Tells me to not worry about anything we had to drink, it’s on him and he was so sorry that that had happened to me and got me all the rest of my drinks that night.

I got escorted out to my uber in case that guy was outside. I cried when I got home again. What the fuck just happened to me? How did I let this guy over to my HOUSE and DRIVE me to this bar. How was I so trusting?

I came away from the whole thing learning a lot. But the biggest thing I learned came from my mom’s observation of it all. A couple months ago, when a guy treated me like shit, I put up with it. I made excuses. That night, as SOON as it started, I said no. No this is not happening. I will not stand for this. And when I felt like I couldn’t get out of it safely or ok- I got help. And it worked.

Sometimes I look for his car when I’m leaving my house still. I don’t even remember his name anymore. He was a valet boy. And 32. An “artist”

Abuse

Well I ended it two days ago with the set dresser. My roommate had me have his phone number up and ready on my phone to call if I needed him. He stayed in his car and waited while I approached TSD to end things.

I was scared.

How did it come to this? How did I allow myself to be in a relationship where I am scared of my partner, of what he will do and say.

I feel like I’ve been worn down. Slowly, daily, worn down and chipped away. My self esteem and confidence left in a pile of garbage. I feel like garbage. He makes me feel like garbage.

“Why are you making yourself cry?”

“See, this is why I don’t want a girlfriend. Why can’t you just be normal?”

“You’re overreacting.”

“If you just came over here to give me shit, then get out.”

“I don’t have time for this girl drama.”

I remember my mom was the first person to use the word “abuse” when describing his behavior with me. Then my roommate, then my best friend last week.

I tried to end it last week when I was with my best friend. She had helped give me the confidence to. He blew up of course. Then, the next morning he showed up at my house and I forgave him.

Later that day though at his house, I had to apologize for telling him that he wasn’t allowed to text or call me when I was breaking up with him. Promise that I’d never say the sentence again “I don’t want to see you anymore.” I was told that I’m too self-righteous and always blame others for my problems and my sadness and I needed to apologize for putting that on him or to get out of his house.

I did it. And I stayed. I feel so dumb.

I told him about two weeks ago that him playfully hitting me when we hung out or when I said something he didn’t like was starting to get weird and cross the line. He still does it.

I told him months ago to not touch my stomach. To not grab at it, or poke it and make comments about that I could work out and get the excess fat there gone. He still does it.

I told him not to threaten to kick me out of his apartment when we get in a disagreement or I’m not “being chill.” He still does it.

I remember when he got fired from the biggest movie happening right now. He blamed it all on other people. I woke up that next morning after he called me and brought him a card saying he was great and he will find an even better thing to do with his career. Left the card next to his door.

His beautiful blonde neighbor saw it and mentioned it to him when they bumped into each other in the hall. She said I think your girlfriend left you something there. He said “That’s not my girlfriend, she’s just a stalker.” And he told me this story laughing, thinking it would make me laugh. I guess?

I remember the first time we met his neighbor. He was outside smoking. He has me come outside and stand with him when he smokes so he doesn’t get bored. She let her dog out and we all chatted and then we had a drink at her house and then jammed a little on guitar. When we closed his door and said goodnight with her, the first thing he said was “Oh god she’s going to think you are my girlfriend.” I cried that night. When he realized how demeaning a statement was like that, he said he was just joking. And that I should learn how to take a joke.  He said he doesn’t like labels. But we had been exclusive for over two months at this point and saw and spoke to each other every day.

He has no attachments with his family. He mostly talks ill about them. I met two of his best friends-the twins- he’s known since he was in preschool. The other day he went on a rant about how much they suck and they are hypocrites and assholes because they didn’t get him a job on the movie they’re on. I think he has two friends here in Atlanta besides the twins, his supposed best friends. The twins are both working on a huge movie here. They didn’t get TSD a spot on the movie but got all their other contacts a spot to work. Now I’m’ starting to understand why.

He’s been let go of jobs twice since I’ve met him. And his two best friends didn’t get him on the next big project happening in Atlanta. His other friend who I’ve hung out with the most and even went to dinner with him in his wife says TSD gets in “these moods” and is “grumpy.” So I’m not crazy, right? Other people in his life think he’s kind of a dickhead too, right?

The set dresser is on set

So I don’t hear from TSD so often anymore. He’s been back at work the last two weeks. I knew that was coming of course. But it’s weird to be in the thick of it. I get he’s doing 12 hour days…but I’d like to hear from him sometimes maybe. Even just a text??

We did hang out the ENTIRE day on his ONE day off. Sunday. I think that’s a nice sign. He came all the way up to my mom’s where I was housesitting to get me and then we ate too many tacos and passed out back at his place.

He looked at me while kissing and tells me that he really likes me. That’s different for him. It was nice. He said it was nice seeing me.

We swung on my front porch in the sun and we went shopping for him for some new clothes. I do think I like him the most. He makes me laugh. I like giving him shit about things. We tease a lot. We fit. But he’s…well you know…distant too. I mentioned to him it’s been an entire month now that we’ve been dating.

He called me today. He found out I had been out of work sick the last four days through texting. Now I know he gets off at 6pm. He could have called those other days maybe too…it’s not that hard.

But you know what- I’ve been dating other people. Met three new people last week:

The other sound guy

The enviormentalist

The army guy (HIM I LIKE)

Summer lovin: The model part 2

So I get pretty sick as many of you know right at the end of the summer. I’m pretty MIA and when the model comes into town in September…yes…I was MIA a while….I tell him he can come on over to my place.

I’m still not feeling well and tell him before he arrives that I’m not interested in doing anything intimate, no drinking, nothing. He proceeds to act like a total asshole pushing me and pushing me to do things in bed with him. To the point that I ask him to leave. I tell him I’ll call him but I don’t plan on it. I mean I’ve never ever had to ask a guy to leave.

I don’t answer his texts. His calls. He’s getting pissed.

Couple months go by and he starts telling me that photos we have exchanged…which I honestly don’t remember what they were…he tells me he’s going to post them online. Wow. Just wow. I’m being threatened.

So from having a crazy fun spontaneous first date to being threatened to be posted on porn websites….awesome job me. I sure know how to pick ’em.

Needless to say I stopped dating September through the end of December.

Wanted vs. Unwanted

Today I feel crumby. It’s grey out so that might be affecting it. But sometimes I feel like I’m constantly bordering the line of feeling wanted in the world and unwanted.

But here’s the thing, I will always be both. The guys that I really want- don’t want me. Which makes me just want them even more. The guys that bug the shit out of me and message and text me all the time- I don’t want. It’s annoying to me. So they want me MORE because I’m not giving them the full amount of attention they want.

Am I THAT GIRL to some of the guys that I’ve been dating? The annoying one who keeps randomly texting them, trying. But it would be better if I just stopped?

Maybe I should start deleting numbers out of my phone again. Then I won’t desperately text someone that I’ve gone out with only a few times asking if they want to hang out.

If a guy wants to hang out with me- he’ll ask. Otherwise, he’s just not that into me, is he? That god damn cute book.

I’m gonna go work out. I want to say I will take some time off of dating and focus on myself- who am I kidding lol. Lose weight again. Eat better. Eliminate TRYING so hard. Be “busy.”

Ugh I ate ramen noodles at 10pm last night for dinner……

One nighters: The writer

I don’t want one night stands. I never go into seeing a guy because I have those intentions. I accept dates with guys after talking with them for a while, sometimes months of talking as with the writer and preppy boy too. Long phone calls like the cop. Daily phone calls with the fireman over a span of a few weeks. Added on facebook immediately by the recovering addict because he was deleting his okcupid account but still wanted to keep messaging with me.

I don’t arrive at dates thinking, oh I’m going to try and get some action tonight. No, I want a relationship. I like these guys. Their personalities. We have been clicking. They are handsome. They made me laugh. They asked me about myself. They were charming.

I met the writer right after the actor. I thought- ok this is my second chance. This guy has SO much substance, creativity and is a grown up. Has a job, is applying for grad school, has a grown up apartment with a bar and a keyboard, wears a suit. He’s younger than me but he is so cute and when he wears his glasses….

The night I met him after months of back and forth and big chunks of just not getting on okcupid, I was at Leon’s checking out the guy that works there. Turns out he’s really short. I end up eye fucking another bartender. Turns out the other bartender NOTICES and asks his friend (the guy I’ve been talking to but have never met) My friend texts me saying umm are you eye fucking the other bartender- he’s 21, did you know that?

Ooops.

I’m already out. I text the writer to come be spontaneous and finally meet me. We go to Victory. I’m already tipsy. I ask him questions I already knew the answer to but I just couldn’t remember or keep straight. Like where did he go to school, does he have siblings.

We kiss at the bar after I tell him it’s hard to not want to kiss him. He shouldn’t have taken me home. He shouldn’t have even let me drive. He actually suggests me just riding with him and walking to MARTA the next morning in midtown. I was like….ew..no.

We drink more at his high rise apartment with gorgeous views. I go back and forth and back and forth about wanting to sleep with him while we are getting intimate. I think….well I lost the actor because I was all reserved. I don’t want to lose another guy so fast.

The next morning he takes FOREVER getting ready so I start exploring his bookcase. I put a little note under his laptop that says “you are so hot. yours, *****”

He lets me borrow one of his books. I love how he underlines things in his book. I think ok he’s gonna see me again. He’ll want his book back duh.

I mention that he hasn’t touched or kissed me ONCE since we woke up. He takes his pointer finger and pokes my arm and says, better???

Gives me a peck at my car in the parking deck and I leave.

I text him a lot. I’m just in bed not working because it’s now Christmas and work is closed. I devour the book. I read his writing online. He’s working a lot. I ask to see him before he goes out of town for the holidays. Too busy.

I ask him to be my date for New Years Eve. He already has plans with friends. I start teasing him that he better watch out or I’ll get swept up by someone else.

He ummm didn’t take too kindly to that.

He stops returning my texts let alone ever answering a random phone call I might try. We are facebook friends, I see him post things daily. I know he can text me back.

He tells me the night that I end up taking a pregnancy test that he wore a condom…wow I can’t even remember I’m thinking…that’s how drunk I was. Classy. He says that being with a girl is like 5th on his priority list. He has his job, family and friends, writing, and grad school applications.

He’s moving soon out of ATL. Don’t know where because he won’t respond to my facebook messages asking how all the applications turned out. I deleted his number two months ago from my phone. To not let there be late night temptation to try and salvage something that never was. I did like him. So much creativity there. He got me writing.